How God's Worked In My Little Ol' Life

I've started the intro to this post a few times, and everything has just seemed awkward.   So please, just forgive the lack of transition from my last super-casual "Hey life is awesome!" post to this pretty serious one. 

Below is a letter I wrote to the women who are in charge of a Thursday morning bible study I attend.  The letter was sent to them at the end of the bible study semester to let them know what a difference the study made in my life.  The whole bible study setup is somewhat of a production, taking place every Thursday, hosting a couple hundred women, and includes an hour of breakfast (usually accompanied by a guest speaker) and then an hour and a half of small-group study/discussion time.  The ladies who run it put in an incredible amount of time and energy to keep it running, so they always desire personal testimonies at the end of each semester, to validate that their efforts were worth it.  I edited it just a bit for you, blog readers, so it would make more sense. 

This is an extremely personal thing to share, and even now- as I'm about to post it- I kind of feel like I'm about to air some dirty laundry and I'm a little nervous.  Those who received this letter asked if they could read it aloud to the other women during breakfast.  Although they didn't say who wrote it, those who knew me (& those I told) knew that I had written it, and many of them said they really needed and appreciated hearing such an honest testimony of the way God can work in a stay-at-home-mom's life.  One lady even wanted a copy of it to keep (say whaaaaat?).  Crazy, but ok.

So this is for you, stay-at-home-mom friends.  And for anybody else who can relate.
(Be warned:  long letter ahead.)

***

I'm fairly new to this stay-at-home-mom thing,  having only done it for a little over 2 years now.  Starting when my daughter was almost a year, every few months I'd find myself crying to my husband about...??... sometimes I didn't even know what it was about.  All that I really knew was that there was a feeling inside that I just couldn't shake. It felt like discontent-- but I knew to my core that I didn't want to be doing something other than staying at home with our kids.  It felt like jealousy-- over my husband's day full of adult-interaction, and ability to eat meals without holding a baby.  And I felt unappreciated for all that I did throughout the day, despite my husbands efforts.  And I felt a number of other things that I just couldn't place.
   

I would come to my husband crying and "emotionally vomit" on him (as he has called it), and bless him, he tried to help me find solutions.  Each time I came to him, he promised to tell me he appreciated me more; he'd try to take the kids more when he was home so I could go out with friends for "me" time; he'd do more around the house.
   

I know he did his best... but he's only human.  ...and he always fell short of what I needed.  He did as he said he would, but there I was again -a few months later- same tune, different song.  As you could imagine, all of these things started to take a toll on our marriage.  (Combine that with another baby, me getting sick, then a cross-country move, and things weren't so great.)  We argued more than ever before-- each of us feeling like what we did should be "enough."  We both seemed unfulfilled.  Here we were, in this beautiful house, two great kids, wonderful extended families, decent income, no "real" issues... but there we were:  arguing, me always crying and throwing a pity party that left me feeling selfish.  After my pity parties, I always vowed to look at the bright side: to see what I DO have, rather than what I don't.  Yet, a month or two later, there I was again.  Same conversation, different day, ending with the same frustrated husband, me with the same selfish feelings.  It was getting exhausting for all of us.  There had to be a solution.
    

This bible study has been a new experience for me.  It's been a welcome break from my kids, and a wonderful time to sit and hold the adult conversation I so craved.  (& eat a hot breakfast in peace!) Even though I joined after most studies were full, the one I happened to join was written by a woman in my exact stage of life.  Having a 2 yr old and a baby, let me tell you... she got it.  She knew what I was feeling.  And her advice was just what I needed to hear on more than one occasion.  During my last pity party, I started thinking about my study and wondering if there was more to this feeling, wondering if maybe it had something to do with my relationship with God.  But I just couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was that I needed to change.  I've been a Christian for many years now; I'm an avid pray-er, and do my best to teach and show my kiddos Godly things.  So what was I doing wrong?
     

One bible study morning, the speaker during the breakfast was a wonderful, pleasant older woman.  She spoke about days when she was younger, when she stayed at home with her small children.  She spoke of feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things to do during that stage and how her marriage was being affected.  She talked about listening to a Christian radio station as she did her chores, and how she started doing her housework to serve the Lord.
   

It sounds so cliche.
    

"Do it for the Lord."  I'd heard it time and time again, but I can't say I really understood what it meant. (Maybe I was having a blonde moment lifetime.)  Coincidentally (or not?), that very same Thursday, our small group study addressed the same sort of things.  [I believe God was determined to help me understand what this meant.]  Through our small group discussion, the light bulb came on.   When I care for the kids cheerfully, wipe noses and butts with a servant's heart, cook dinner and clean high chairs gladly, I'm witnessing to my kids.  When I clean the house, do my family's laundry, have things ready to go for my husband cheerfully, with a servant's heart, I'm witnessing to my husband, too.
   

Here's the part that got me:  I'm the only mama these kids have.  I'm the only wife my husband has.  I am one of the-- if not THE-- greatest influence(s) on their lives.  Wouldn't it make such a huge difference to them if THEY were my #1 witness priority?  [And in turn, how would pouring all of my heart into them affect those feelings I'd been having??]  If instead of feeling the need to give to the homeless, wanting to work at soup kitchens and love on the community [all ministry areas that have my heart]... what if I first focused on pouring my Christian attitude and love into my own family?  ...How had I not been understanding this?!?... Because it boiled down to this:  my husband is just one man.  He's a wonderful hands-on dad; incredibly loving and extremely helpful to me around the house and with the kids ...but he's human.  So all of those things I was wanting him to provide for me (some of which I struggled to put words on)?  He couldn't.
   

The fact of the matter was, I needed to change who I was working for.  I needed to change who I was looking to, to fill my "void" (for lack of better word).  Instead of crying to my husband about the things I wanted to be different, I could have been praying to God to help me see things differently.  I shouldn't be just doing the dishes for my family... I should be doing them for God, thinking of it as a ministry, knowing my husband and children will see me doing the dishes gladly, with a servant's heart!  The irony is that every night, when I pray with my kids, I always include in their prayers, "Please help me show love to everyone, especially my friends and family, so they can see you."  but I hadn't been doing that for them.
   

The day that light bulb came on, I left feeling genuinely excited to put my new mindset into practice.  Excited to finally understand why there had been any problem to begin with, and almost a willingness for the devil to try to shake me of my contentedness. Thank you for the opportunity to be part of a study that has so impacted my life.
   

***

Since that realization, I can honestly say that things have been a LOT better.  It's admittedly hard to have a new mindset just like *that* when I'd been thinking one way for so long.  I'm slightly embarrassed to admit just how selfish I had been in the past, but the important thing is to recognize it and move past it.  :)  And please don't think we were *ever* on the verge of the BIG-D, because that was never, ever up for discussion.  We were in a bad place, but now we're in a much, much better place, but never once did either of us think of leaving (& isn't that how marriage works is supposed to work?).

  

I'm incredibly thankful to have a husband who puts up with me, even through that kind of crap, and who loves me and builds me and encourages me all the same.  I can tell you, though, he was very relieved when that "light bulb" finally came on for me.  :D
  
There have been times during this stage of life, when I've wondered, 'What ministry should I be serving in?  How can I make a better contribution to His goals?'  After that bible study, it dawned on me:  THIS.  Living each day as a mommy, as a wife.  THIS is my ministry; He put me right in the middle of it!  It's nice when the lights come on.  :)

Me, The Mom.

I am attempting to keep this blog a positive place.  It's a place that has recently become all about Audra.  I LOVE talking about Audra, mainly because I LOVE to be helpful to a lot of you reading.  I know some of my favorite blogs are those where fellow mamas talk about their experiences, favorite products, and life in general with babies.  They're helpful, and they prevent me from having to do a ton of research, especially if I feel that I identify with them and can trust their opinions.

But I think it's important to be honest, too.  It's not fair to show you only the pretty side of things and make you think that's how it always is.  I'm talking about how it's all about Audra.  Not just my blog, now.  MY LIFE.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE MY BABY MORE THAN I EVEN KNOW HOW TO PUT INTO WORDS.  I would give my life for her!  I can go on listing other ways to affirm to you how much I love her, but let's just call it good.  I LOVE HER.  There's no truer statement.  But it gets overwhelming.  It's such a place of limbo to be in; one that is implied a lot of time, but one that people also choose not to talk about a lot of time.  I think it's because people, like this blog, mostly choose to focus on the positive.  Because there is SO MUCH positive to focus on!  A beautiful, gorgeous baby.  Learning new things.  Smiling.  Kissing.  Hugging.  Babbling.  Laughing.  Loving me.  But also.  BUT ALSO... crying.  Clawing at my face.  Refusing to let me take a whole shower in peace.  Whining when I try to pump.  Waking me multiple times a night.  Starting the morning with more crying.  Refusing to eat the food I spent time making.  And generally taking up every single minute of my time.  Even when she's sleeping, she's taking up my time.  I'm thinking of her.  Educating myself on things for her.  Buying things online for her.  Writing this blog about her.

So I find myself in this limbo.  On one side:  loving this new life with our baby- both the good and the bad that come with it.  And on the other:  feeling selfish and wanting to hand her over to my or my husband's parents and just jet off to a sunny warm island and lay on the beach, drinking piña coladas and "forgetting" my baby.  For just a little while.  I say "forgetting" because I know that the second I hit that beach, I'll be wondering what Audra's up to and how she's doing, whether she's happy and sleeping well and eating her food, etc.  I'm feeling like my brain is never going to rest again.  And that's probably just the reality of it.  But guys?  My brain is TIRED.  My BODY is tired.  My holding-shiz-together-ness is feeling like it wants to quit.  Not forever!  Just for a little while.  I need a break.  I mean more than an afternoon.  More than even a day, probably.  And it can't happen here, at the house, because then I'd just end up cleaning or something, because my OCD self can't fully relax until there's nothing else to do. 

Recently, Nic and I finally got to have a candid, honest conversation, and I ended in tears just telling him how tired I am.  And how I don't feel like myself anymore.  I used to be an adult.  One who enjoyed good food and sitting on patios and Happy Hour with friends.  One who saw movies in the theater kind of frequently and went shopping for clothes that are in season.  And now?  Now I feel a little trapped.  Trapped because of breastfeeding (can't leave her with anyone for any extended length of time), trapped because of very delicate nap time hours (as I talked about last post ), trapped because of the amount of work that has fallen on my shoulders because of her, but at the same time less time to do it because of her.  That's not to say this is ALWAYS how I feel.  I think it's just been a very very long time since I've gotten to be... well... ME.   Right now I feel like me, the mom.  And then sometimes (if I don't fall asleep first), I'm me, the wife.  And very very rarely do I get to be me, the adult in an adult world.  Something's gotta give.  There's got to be some way for me to recharge this mom battery of mine.  I do know that this feeling goes away almost as quickly as it comes, but the fact of the matter is that this feeling still exists.  And from what I'm reading around the web, it exists in a lot moms.    

I HATE admitting this.  I HATE the fact that this is sounding like complaining.  Complaining is not how I intend this to sound.  I mean it to be an honest look at the feelings of a stay-at-home-mom (perhaps ANY mom), from time to time.

It's important for me to stress how much I LOVE MY BABY.  I wouldn't trade motherhood for a lifetime on warm, sandy beaches.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  There are infinitely more good days than bad; more happy moments than stressful moments; more JOY and LOVE than anything else I can think of. 

Sometimes a mom just needs an extended break to be... well... free from being a mom. 

So This Is Love

A lullaby I love to sing:

A facial expression I love:

Sounds I love:

How I love to document memories:

So THIS is love.

Not-So-Silent Night

Well, we knew this day would come and here it is.  Nic's first night shift at Langley.  He worked a few in Lubbock right out of nursing school, which meant that I would jet out of school as fast as the kids in order to have dinner with him before he went in.  It was an adjustment.  At the same time, I was pregnant and working with some very dramatic 14-year-olds, so I was more than ready to go to bed with or without him.  That time around, I only woke up to pee.  This time around, things are a bit different.

Audra's sleep during the night hasn't been very consistent.  There is usually one night a week when she won't wake up at all and I'm singing my praises the following morning.  Then it seems the very next night she may wake up 2 or (Lord help me) 3 times.  I haven't exactly pin-pointed the source of her waking.  Is she hungry? (I feed her each waking.)  Is she just wanting company?  Is she in pain from teething?  I wish she would be more consistent so I could figure it out.  Sometimes when she wakes, she talks and coos like the sweet, happy girl she can be.  Other times, it's an abrupt cry that doesn't end until I get to her side, or until she starts eating (those times make me think teething).  Waking up multiple times to feed a baby and put her back to sleep is exhausting.  If I do it all under an hour, I consider myself lucky.  But about 25% of the time, she'll fall asleep eating and I'll ever.so.slowly. and gently set her down in bed and her eyes will spring open.  Then she'll start crying and I'll have to pick her back up to rock her to sleep all over again.  Sometimes even the second time, she'll wake up.  Nights like that, Nic usually ends up giving it a go because I'll have been awake going on 2 hours at that point.  He's saved my sleep many MANY times.  I'm a little nervous to not have his help.  SINGLE PARENTS, HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU DO IT?!? Nights when I've gotten up 2 or more times with her, he'll usually get up with her in the morning and let me sleep in to make up for lost time. 

Now he's working nights.  Which means he won't be there on those random nights she refuses to go back down.  And he'll be ready for bed at 7 am, which means I'll definitely be waking up with her.  He assured me he'll find a way to help me catch up on sleep, but it would take some time and him getting used to his new schedule.  And I believe him.

I know a lot of you reading this also have new babies, or had a baby once upon a time.  Do your babies wake up all the time too?  What do you do to help with your exhaustion?  I know a few of you are going to tell me to bed share with Audra.  ;-)  But Nic and I decided a long time ago that isn't something we want to do.  We just need our own "us" space.  I'm fine with holding my baby until she falls asleep, and when she's out of the crib, I'll lay down next to her in her room when needed.  But we don't want her falling asleep in our bed at night.  So getting up with her is a must.  Do your babies ever wake up once they hit the bed?  Do you have any tricks to make that exchange easier?  Currently, we do a lot of light shaking/vibrating/patting, and rocking while in the chair.  When she's good & asleep, we get up & continue to vibrate her while we walk to her bed and while we lay her down.  Even when she's down, sometimes we'll lightly shake her little body or vibrate the mattress to ease the transition.  Usually all that does the trick.  But like I said, there are those few times when she wakes right up as soon as her body hits the bed and we start all over again.

So nights are not typically silent for this family.  It's a good thing I really love her.  I can't breathe her or smell her or kiss her enough, and I admit that feeding her in the still of the night will forever be one of my favorite memories.  I just don't want to do it every day.  ;-)

As always, I hope you're happy, healthy, & well!
Love you all!

Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful Boy

A little over a week ago, Nic and I celebrated 3 years of being married.  One of his sweet coworkers came over last minute so we were able to have a date night.  We went to a super cool modern restaurant, sat a little too close to one another, and reminisced about the past year and made goals for the next.  One of the things we talked about were our top 5 SPECIFIC memories of the last year.  (It's too easy to 'generalize' memories and feelings, so we made them specific.) Here are mine, in no particular order:
1.  The look on his face/reaction in general when I was finally in his arms in San Antonio in May. (This was following a lot of tears and fears that he wouldn't be present for Audra's birth, as chronicled in this post.)
2.  The day he and I relaxed in the pool before Audra was born.  Seems stupid that this is in my top 5, but it was pure bliss at that moment.  School was still in session, but I wasn't teaching-- I was with him, in San Antonio, the only ones in the pool, floating on our rafts, feeling the warm breeze, waiting for our sweet baby girl's arrival.  It was heavenly.
3.  Our first moment as a family of 3.  No more explanation needed.
4.  When I was leaning my head on his shoulder during labor so I could hear and mirror his breathing.  It was just so close and intimate.
5.  Lazy mornings with the 3 of us in bed, cuddling.

Have I ever told you about how great he is?  Because he really is.  He's great enough that I really could say something wonderful about him every single time I post, but I seem to get sidetracked.  Just this morning, Audra woke up right around the time of his alarm, so he offered to take her.  I hadn't been getting much sleep the last few nights, so I was happy to let him do it!  He fed her and put her back to sleep.  Then he came downstairs and put the diapers in the dryer, washed the dishes and ran the dish washer-- all before he went to work!  See, isn't he great?  That's just the every day kind of stuff he does.

It's not just the every day kind of stuff he's good at.  He really pulls through when I need him most.  Like last Sunday.  Sunday I had the STOMACH FLU.  Guys, it was AWFUL!  It started out with just a normal stomach ache, but by the 4th trip to the bathroom within half an hour and no relief in sight, I started thinking it may be something more.  I was running to the bathroom about every 10 minutes for HOURS, and later in the day it was coming out both ends.  (Probably TMI, I'm sorry!)  It was intense, let me tell ya.  I actually thought, in the worst moments, I am so miserable.  It really took it out of me, and I was just physically drained with zero energy.  I really wanted to sleep, but of course, running to the bathroom doesn't allow for sleep.  Luckily, by that evening things had gotten a teeny bit better, and continued to get progressively better with time.  By the next day I was completely good around 3:00 or so.  Having the stomach flu and a 4 month old don't mix so well.  Nic took her all day long.  He went to the grocery store, went and worked out, brought me Gatorade and chicken noodle soup, made any bottles when I wasn't up to feeding her (though I tried to feed her as often as I felt I could) (don't worry, breast milk has AMAZING immunity properties!), put Audra to bed, changed the sheets before he went to bed WHILE I LAID IN THE BED, and was just an all-around rock star that day.  I'm one lucky girl. 

It's hard to believe that within 3 years, we've lived in 3 different states, I've held three different jobs, he's gotten ANOTHER degree (nursing makes 3 for him!), joined the Air Force, and we've had the most beautiful baby I've ever laid eyes on.  And in between there, we've taken many Christmas and Thanksgiving trips and all of our siblings got married!

I don't want to be all life is perfect, we walk on clouds all the time sounding.  Because it's not ALL THE TIME that things are this perfect.  We're what I like to call normal.  As in, we have our share of squabbles and we get annoyed at stupid things and then stubbornly fight (which is fun, since we're both first borns).  And then we get over it.  That's the main thing:  we get over it.  Until I was with him, I'd never been with a guy that was so good at saying sorry and at showing me how much he loves me.  Almost makes me feel guilty when I'd been so stubborn.  ;-)  Arguing every now and then is natural, and it never lasts too long.  Times like those help me know that we're there for each other, thick and thin.  I know he must really love me if he'll put up with me at my worst.  :)

He and I often say that we wish everyone in the world knew what it was like to be this loved.  We know couples that have gotten married for the seemingly wrong reasons, or friends who have told us about their relationships with their spouses and seem to be surprised at the level of sharing and intimacy Nic and I have.  And it makes us sad to think that not all marriages have couples who feel this way toward one another.  He's my best friend.  He's honestly the only person in the world who I feel truly and wholly understands me, and I like it that way.  :)

So, 3 years.  3 WONDERFUL, AMAZING years of being married to this beautiful MAN.  I can't wait to see what the next 3 hold.

Sorry this one was taken with the iPhone, but it's still one of my faves!

My 2nd BIG DAY (AUDRA is BORN!!!)

Marrying Nic will always be my 1st BIG DAY. It was a wonderful, magical day, set by the sea and included a small group of our closest family and a few friends. Giving birth to Audra will forever be my 2nd BIG DAY.

My last post left off when I got admitted into San Antonio Military Medical Center (SAMMC) around 2am on Sunday, June 10th. I was just ecstatic that I was dilated to a 4. The contractions weren’t all that fun, of course, but I WOULD BE HAVING A BABY VERY VERY  SOON!!! Part of me wanted to cry (already!) because I was so happy; the other part of me wanted to cry because I knew this was only the beginning and I would be in so.much.pain. in the very near future.  While I was still in the 1st room (the triage room before a more permanent room is assigned), an anesthesiologist came in to tell me all of my options.

From even before I was pregnant, I had always wanted to have a natural delivery.  I don't know if it's that I wanted to be tough, or if it was the negative effects of certain medications that I learned about from documentaries like The Business of Being Born or Born in America, but either way- I felt I had a pretty high pain tolerance and I really was up for the challenge.  Every time I've had to over come some sort of pain in life, I've always felt better and stronger for it.  So was my goal for delivery.

So in walks the anesthesiologist, and I'm all I'll listen, but I won't be needing that.  He had to give his shpiel anyway, and I was intrigued when he said that epidurals don't effect the baby.  I'd always heard that they do-- that the baby can be groggy, and a few other things.  I don't know if he meant HIS epidurals don't effect the baby, or if the type he uses doesn't... I'm just not sure why his information was contrasting to what I'd heard.  Regardless, I wasn't interested.  He told me that he'd be in a c-section for a while, should I change my mind, and yada yada yada... that's all good and thanks for telling me.

Around 3:30 or 4am, I get moved into my delivery room.   The contractions were becoming much more intense.  I really had to stop everything and breathe through them.  Looking back, I know that a lot of things needed to be different in that room:  1) The lights needed to be lower, 2) The nurse needed to LET ME GET IN A ZONE.  The nurse I had was a SPAZ.  She sort of looked like a drug addict (way too thin, highlights grown out), and she was all over the place.  She insisted that she had to keep the monitors on me to monitor the baby, even though my water hadn't broken and I've NEVER had any reason to need monitoring.  Every time she put the monitor on my stomach, it slid to a spot that made me have a contraction.  After a few times, I started to see the pattern of monitor=contraction.  Since the contractions were so painful, I was really squirming from the pain each time she put it on.  Then it would slide, I'd have a contraction, and the whole thing would start over again.  We seriously did this for about 2 hours.  There was no "zone" involved.  All through this, she's practically screaming, "We HAVE to monitor THE BABY!"  I'm all, "OK!!" and she puts it on me, it slides from all the gel again, I have a contraction and she freaks out again because OMG THE MONITOR ISN'T ON THE BABY--- WE HAVE TO MONITOR THE BABY!!!  All through the classes I attended, particularly the Natural Childbirth class, I'd been told how you just have to find your ZONE.  I couldn't find my zone.  Not at all.  As a result, I wasn't able to breathe through the pain like I'd been taught, or to imagine those warm sunny places, or picture myself as a strong African woman who can get through anything (for some reason, I think of Sojourner Truth), or to think of the contractions like going up a big hill, then back down.  NO, I DIDN'T GET TO do any of that.  All I got to do is be annoyed by the stupid nurse and just complain to Nic about how bad it hurt.

Nobody ever tells you what that pain is like.  Everyone I knew that'd had a baby was all, ya- it hurts! But nobody tells you the details.  Nobody told me that the contractions would take all that my body had; would make me weak in the knees and make me feel like throwing up.  They didn't tell me that my body would become so tired from working that every muscle would twitch.  I remember looking at Nic, my eyebrows were twitching and my eyes themselves twitching, my lips were trembling, and he said it:  Are you having second thoughts about the epidural?...  Of course, I'd thought about it! I was glad he said something, because if he hadn't, I would have before too long. He was so loving and told me to go ahead and do it, that he wouldn't think less of me at all.  He continually reassured me that there was no way to predict this feeling, and he knew the epidural would help.  So around 6:20 we told the spaz that we'd decided to get the epidural.  At some point during all of that, my parents had texted Nic to see if they could come back.  Seeing as I was in the worst pain of my life, I was in no mood for visitors.  I told them, sorry, not right now.

And thus begins our new problem:  remember that little bit of information :::...I'll be in a c-section for a while if you change your mind...::: ...I changed my mind.  And he was in a c-section.  It felt like ETERNITY before he finally got there, but in reality I think it was only 25 minutes.  Keep in mind that my pain was to a point that I wanted it that instant, so 25 minutes later it had continued to grow.  Someone came in to check dilation shortly before the anesthesiologist got there, and that person said I was dilated at a 7, almost an 8 (out of 10 in case you don't know much about birthing).  The anesthesiologist finally came in around 6:45, and told me that I needed to be still while he injected the needle, which would be 10-15 minutes.  When your body is spasming and you're in so much pain, it's hard to sit still.  Nic stood in front of me, and bore what is now one of my favorite labor memories.  I put my head on his shoulder and breathed in his neck; he took long deep breaths and told me to copy him, and I did.  That was EXTREMELY helpful, and both of us asked why we didn't remember to breathe like that sooner.  Oops.  Oh well.  [Upon reading this post, Nic says we couldn't remember the right way to breathe because the drug-addict/spaz was too distracting.]  Within minutes of the epidural, I felt next to no pain at all.  It was amazing.  AND I could still move my legs, which I'd always heard I would be unable to do.  I told Nic my parents could come back now.  We sat and visited for a while, and when Matt & Abi arrived at the hospital, they joined us in the room too.  It really was amazing how much better the epidural made me feel.  It's important for me to say here, that I have a CRAZY WONDERFUL amount of respect for any woman that gives birth without an epidural.  To know that you went through that pain and did so without any numbing is mind-blowing.  You will forever be a strong and amazing person for that.

Waiting...

The spaz finally gave report to our new nurse around 7 am.  Our new nurse's name was (get this)... AUDRA!  And she was the most lovely nurse I could have ever hoped for.  I wish she were my night nurse.  She was pretty and funny and made me feel completely comfortable and not at all self-conscious.  So Matt, Abi, my parents, and Nic and I just sat (well, I layed) visiting for a while.  I drifted in and out of sleep since I was tired from Friday's events, and from being up all night Saturday into Sunday.  Around 9:30, a doctor checks dilation and breaks my water.  I don't remember how far dilation was at this point (to be honest, I was kind of out of it).  She also says I should be able to start pushing around 10:30.  EEEK!  Pushing?!?  That definitely made me nervous.  But I was too sleepy to get all worked up at that very moment.

Everyone's talking, and I'm sleeping, and in walk all of these people and someone loudly says, "Are you ready to have a baby?  It's time to push!"  I look at the clock and it wasn't even 10:30 yet.  I think it was around 10:25.  All of my family except Nic leaves, and I start feeling very overwhelmed.  They really startled me from my sleep, and I hadn't had time to process all that was going on in that moment.  (Nic jokes that he forgot to tell them I need to look at Facebook on my phone for about 10 minutes, then they could have continued; this is my usual wake-up routine.)  (...pre-baby wake up routine that is...)  It just seemed that I was sleeping, then all of a sudden, Audra (my nurse) and other people are standing over me, explaining how to push.  I'm too confused to even listen to their directions.  I just start half-way crying, saying I don't know HOW to push!  They all insisted they'd tell me what to do as it happened, but to get ready because when the next contraction came, I would be pushing.

By this point, the epidural had worn off enough for me to know when I was having a contraction.  I could feel it building and they told me alright, take a deep breath and push!  They held my legs and counted to 10 while I pushed, then once they got to 10, they quickly said "take another deep breath and PUSH!" so I did while they counted to 10 again.  By the second 10, the contraction was over so I rested to gear up for the next push.  I was so numb down there from the epidural, I had no idea what was going on.  After about 3 contractions of pushing, I asked Nic "Is she out?!?"  Nic laughed and said no, that he couldn't even see her yet.  The doctor said she was making her way around the pelvic bone.  I pushed a total of about 50 minutes.  Our little Audra was born at 11:17am.  I gave my last, hardest push then they pulled her out and immediately placed her on my chest and covered us with a blanket.  Nic and I both cried tears of joy and I just kept looking at her in disbelief and feeling her warm slimy little body.  I'd waited so long for that moment, and there it was.  So THAT is what it's like to have a baby.

We cuddled for a bit, then it was cut abruptly short.  The doctor informed me that I had a tear they needed to stitch up, and the lighting in the delivery room wasn't bright enough for them to see.  The doctor explained that I didn't tear on the outside, like I was probably thinking, but instead my tear was vertical up the vaginal wall. That's why they needed better lighting.  I had never in my life heard of a tear like that happening during birth, so I was kind of surprised.  Thank God I'd gotten the epidural!  I was completely oblivious to the tear.  :)  And I really wasn't all too worried about it; I had a new little baby to be excited about!

They whisked me off to the OR while Nic got to stay in the delivery room and give Audra her first bath.  A nice nurse took some pictures of him.  As I lay there on the operating table, tears came to my eyes.  It was the first time I was able to take it all in.  I'd just had our little baby.  On Sunday.  And Matt & Abi were still there; my dad was there; Nic was off work.  It was the most perfect timing imaginable.  I got weepy realizing it had to be God helping us in all of this. Any time I doubt or am scared, He's always come through and blessed me even more than I could have imagined.  I prayed for a while on that operating room table, and eventually fell asleep.  I just had to ask, out of curiosity, how big the tear was.  The doctor informed me that it was about 5 inches straight up the vaginal wall.  This tear has (obviously) caused me a lot of discomfort, and is something that is still sore to this day (almost 2 months later).  It's nowhere near as painful as it was the 1st days after I delivered.  If feeling 100% is the goal, I'd say I'm at about a 90.  The worst part about it is how much it's prevented me from doing, namely CrossFit.

Baby's First Bath

So I got stitched up, and then joined my little family in the delivery room.  The three of us cuddled as a family for a while, and I fed Audra for the first time.  After a while, Mom, Dad, Matt & Abi came in and met Audra.  It was a really exciting time for all of us.  After a few hours, I moved to post-partum.  And thus began life with a baby:  never really sleeping, always looking at her, and learning what it feels like to be a mommy.

The happy family.

The first few days, I remember being EXTREMELY overwhelmed with love, and lots of worry for our little baby.  I'm sure it was largely due to the hormones adjusting, but I would sometimes start crying, thinking about something bad ever happening to her.  I would tell Nic, what if other kids are mean to her?  What if someone tries to hurt her?  What if she gets kidnapped?  I just want her to be happy...  I would worry that she'd stop breathing in the middle of the night and die from SIDS, or that she'd slip out of her swing somehow and it would keep swinging and attacking her and she'd die. She was (is) so small and helpless.  I just felt an overwhelming desire to make all things GOOD for her.  All of those 'what ifs' were really getting to me.  He finally said something that really hit home for me:  God was with her on the day she was born, and He'll be with her throughout her life.  Knowing this has helped me when I start to think about all of those 'what ifs' again.  

As I type this, she's sitting in my lap, babbling her cute little baby talk and her arm is somewhat flailing about since she still doesn't have gross motor control.  She is the most beautiful, sweet baby that I've ever seen.  Even when she wakes up at the crack of dawn, for a moment I think, UGH, awake already... but then I see her sweet face, and sometimes she even smiles, then my heart melts and I am JUST SO HAPPY to see and be with my sweet little baby again.

She is truly a blessing, and I thank God for her every day, multiple times a day.  Now that we're in Virgina, we're really getting a chance to be together and get to know each other. She's one funny, gassy little gal!  ;)  We waited for her arrival for so.SO.long, and wondered what that day would be like.  It's nice to know that it's over, and it worked out PERFECTLY and now we have a cute little wiggly baby to hold and love.

It's All So New

There has been SO MUCH happening since that last post!  We welcomed the cutest, funniest, most precious and most loved baby EVER to the world on June 10 at 11:17 am.  Audra Kayte Williams was 6 lbs and 7 oz, and was 19.5 inches long.  She was born at San Antonio Military Medical Center.  Her timing was SUCH a blessing from God.  When I think about it too hard, it still makes me want to cry.  I was so nervous that Nic would be working when she came (he wouldn't be able to leave his shift to come be with me if that were the case).  She decided to come on the weekend when Uncle Matt & Aunt Abi (Nic's sis & bro in law) were in San Antonio visiting... and the day right after Grandpa came.  It really was amazing.  I doubt you care as much about this as I do, but listen to this:  Matt & Abi came on Friday, and needed to leave on Sunday.  My dad wasn't able to make it in until late Saturday night.  Nic had off Saturday and Sunday off.  Audra came on SUNDAY-- the day when all the visitors were there and Nic didn't have to work!  A day sooner, and my dad wouldn't have been there.  A day later, and Matt & Abi wouldn't have been there and Nic would have to be working.  There were a few times after she was born when I was overcome with worry for her and her future (call it hormones if you must), but Nic was very reassuring saying that God was with us through her birth and He'll be with her through her whole life.  In addition to what I just told you,  I REALLY want to tell you all about the whole birthing process, but that will have to wait for another day.

 This is a picture of her birth announcement.  Wish I had an electronic version.

Like I said, she was born on a Sunday in San Antonio.  Nic graduated his Nurse Transition Program the following Friday.  We drove that same day (Friday) home to Lubbock.  The normally 6 hour drive took us 9 hours.  Babies are A LOT of work!  :)

We were home for about 2 weeks.  In that time, my parents flew back to Missouri, we had Audra's newborn pictures taken, Andy & Kateigh (Nic's brother & sis in law) came from L.A., Abi & Matt came from Ft. Worth, we spent a LOT of time at Lolli & Pops house (Nic's mom and dad's), had our house packed up for the move to Virginia (Nic's new assignment now that his Air Force nurse training was complete) and said our goodbyes.  We drove about 30 hours to Virginia and arrived on June 29 to our new home.  Our things arrived on July 4, and we've ever so slooooowwwwwlllllllyyyyy been unpacking.  My dad couldn't have said it better:  my time is 90% looking after Audra, 10% anything else I need to do.  Things are getting better each day.  We can tell she's starting to "generally accept life" (as I had read is one of the stages of infancy) and is less fussy than she was right out of the womb.

Really, things couldn't be better with our little sweetie pie.  She does everything she does WONDERFULLY.  She eats wonderfully, poops and pees wonderfully (and by that, I mean A LOT), even sleeps wonderfully.  I had been waking her for the first month to eat during the night... but the more I read that people are really split on whether this is necessary or not, I decided to stop and let her wake me.  Just for night time.  And since then, we've all be much better rested.  Last night, she couldn't keep her eyes open around 10:30, so we put her down.  She didn't wake up until around 8:00.  Isn't that AMAZING?!?  That's the longest she's slept so far.  And she ate like she'd never eaten before when I went in to feed her.  LoL.  But she wasn't upset or anything, or acting like I was a bad mommy for letting her go so long without eating.  So, as far as night feedings go, I'll let her wake up and tell me when she's ready (just like I do during the day).

Things here are slowly falling into place.  We're trying out a church, and we'll continue to try different churches until we see all that we're really interested in and feel like we've found a good match.  We're really looking for something similar to The Crossing in Columbia (Missouri).  We LOVED how the Young Professionals group did a lot outside of church and therefore became a really close-knit bunch.  We didn't find that in Lubbock and we both really wish we'd worked harder to have that instead of settling so quickly on a church.  So we're not going to stop until we find that group we're looking for here.

I'm eager to make some friends.  Haha that sounds so sad, or nerdy, or desperate... we just don't know anyone here.  Nic knows some guys from work, and one of them just moved in across the street from us.  I was able to meet his wife (who's from AUSTRAILIA!!), and their 3 kids (one of which is a 7 month old baby girl!), and I think we'll get together quite often.  We've met other neighbors and people from church, but everything's still so new that we just don't really feel comfortable yet with anything.  It'll be nice when the house is settled (pictures to come), and enough time has gone by that it's not awkward to get together with the new people we've just met.  I forget how much time it takes to make new friends and build those relationships.  But it'll happen. 

I'm so enjoying the beautiful trees, and the fact that there's SO MUCH to do around here.  Of course, I haven't done any of those fun things yet because I've been a feeding slave 90% of the time and been unpacking with the other 8% (2% is left for me to shower, use the bathroom, and eat).

(Note how small the cars are compared to these trees.)

I really can't wait to show you all pictures of things here.  Now that we're here, I'll try to be more diligent about updating.  I so appreciate you all reading.  I hope your summer is going well (for all my teacher friends, I'm sure it's going WAY too fast!) and I hope you're staying cool.  I love you all!

Stefanie

The Waiting Game [40 weeks]

There's been a lot happening since my last post, and I tend to get a bit wordy so my goal is to keep it short and sweet here. 

For my last post, Nic and I had decided to deliver Audra in San Antonio so that he would for sure be able to attend her birth.  The plan at that time was for me to join him in S.A. after school got out, then get acquainted with the hospital and things at that time.  ...The hospital in S.A. had other thoughts.  We made the decision to deliver there on a Friday, and the OB clinic was closed for the weekend.  Nic worked a night shift Sunday into Monday morning, so after he got off work on Monday he stopped in the clinic to talk with someone to give them a heads up on our situation and see if there was anything further we needed to do.  They basically told him that me arriving that close to my due date was not enough time for me to establish care within their system.  They said if I wanted to deliver there then I needed to get myself there ASAP.  (You and I both know that they can't legally deny care, but the fact that it wouldn't be optimal was enough for me to go along with it.)  Cue the start of my whirlwind week:  Monday I talked with my principals (who were AMAZINGLY supportive of me doing what I needed to do), Tuesday I talked with HR (who was also AMAZINGLY supportive, making Tuesday my last day of school (!!!!)), Wednesday I packed up everything I'd need for birth, new baby, and living in S.A. for a month, Thursday I had my last Lubbock OB appt and then hit the road!  I arrived Thursday evening and have been in San Antonio ever since. 

I was able to establish care here within their system, have had a few appointments, and have basically just been hanging out and tying up any and every loose end before she arrives.  Her due date was actually YESTERDAY but still, we have no baby.  :-(  I am really really really REALLY hoping she comes on her own (with the help of everything we're trying), otherwise they'll schedule an induction toward the beginning of next week.  We're thinking the induction would be either Sunday the 10th, Monday or Tuesday.  We'll just see when they're able to schedule it.  But AGAIN, I've always had this goal of doing the whole thing naturally so I really REALLY don't want to induce.

My mom also had an AMAZINGLY supportive workplace, who allowed her to come join me here for the arrival of our little bundle.  Mom arrived here in San Antonio about a week after I did, and has been here ever since.  We've shown her the way to the hospital and Labor & Delivery, and we've all gotten quite settled in a nice little routine.  She's able to work from here, which is nice, so she's gotten a lot accomplished while I sleep in or Nic and I busy ourselves on days when he's off.  It's been so nice to have some mother-daughter time!

Here's the LAST pregnancy update.  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?

How far along:  40 weeks & 1 day

How big is baby: She should be about 7.5-8 lbs right now (though Nic is convinced that she's not quite that big since neither of us were)

Labor Status: We went into the hospital on Friday (not due to contractions, but more b/c we wanted to know the progress of dilation), and I was still only dilated to a 1 (same as 3 weeks prior when my Lubbock OB had checked).  But that was 4 days ago, and apparently a lot can be happening in a small amount of time, so we'll see how it goes.

Belly position: She's dropped a TON!  I can really tell she's getting ready for her debut!  It's been a relief to be able to breathe again with her off of my lungs.  Her head is down, her little booty is against my belly-button area, and her legs are stretched up toward my ribs.  I can actually feel her little feet and can tell how cute and tiny they are.  I love it!

Movement:  She's a little mover!  It's pretty cool that I can tell what actual parts of her body she's moving, versus just feeling the movement as a whole.  For example, I can tell she's stretching her back and pushing her bottom out, or I can tell she's stretching her legs and her feet are pushing out, or that she's having hiccups, or that she's moving her head around.  I love knowing her orientation and being able to picture her moving in there.

Part of me thinks I'll really REALLY miss feeling her little movements in there.  It's so comforting to know my baby's safe and sound and growing inside of me.  Nic and I took a walk a few days ago and I was saying how sad it has to make mommies knowing that their little babies make unsafe decisions or put themselves in harm's way.  I wish I could ensure that she'd be safe and warm forever.  But I guess that's the start of letting them live life. 

Exercise:  EVERYTHING feels like exercise now.  My body is in serious baby-concentration mode.  Going to the store and going on walks is about all the exercise I get.  I've been trying to walk every day, to help with dilation, and at the end of the day I am absolutely exhausted.  In fact, Nic wakes up around 5:00 for work, works a 12 and then is ready for bed relatively early.  I sleep in until anywhere between 9 & 11 and am still quite ready for bed when he is.  I'm SO THANKFUL to be getting caught up on sleep before Audra's arrival!

What I'm loving:  Knowing I'm going to get to lay eyes on her ANY DAY now!!!  I think about her all the time!  What will she look like?  What will her cry sound like?  Will she be a good eater?  Will she latch correctly?  Will she have hair?  I just can't wait!!!

I'm also loving all the relaxing I'm able to be doing.  I've been making Father's Day gifts (for Nic and both our dads), hanging out with mom, enjoying life with a baby on the inside.  :)

What I'm NOT loving:  The anticipation!  It's killing me!

What I miss:  Home.  Living for a month away from your home is not the same.  We're in a pretty nice Extended Stay hotel here.  It's got everything we need:  living room area, kitchen, queen-sized bed, plenty of bathroom space, room for Audra's bassinet, swing and other things... but it's just not the same as being home.  However, my heart is here-- with Nic-- so as the saying goes, doesn't that make THIS my home?  ;)  I'll be happy when our whole little family makes it back safely. 

Well, say your prayers that we don't have to induce!  My next post will probably be introducing our little angel and telling you our birth story. Thanks for reading!

A Mess of Stress [37 weeks]

Strange how quickly a tune can change.  I had forgotten I titled my last post, "A Happy Heart."  Not to say that my heart isn't happy... it's just a LOT more stressed. 

Shortly after that post, Nic got his schedule that tells him his days off for the remainder of his program.  He was quite disheartened when he saw that he's scheduled to work 3 days immediately after Audra's due date.  Not only that, BUT he also had hardly any time to come home and see us because the scheduler had failed to give him extra hours like Nic had requested.  He was super bummed about that, and even more bummed that other people in his program were up to 2 shifts ahead of schedule without having asked for that.  We knew his program leaders weren't being the most accommodating when it came to giving him time off for Audra's birth, but once the schedule was set it seemed to be even worse than we had originally thought.

We had many a tearful conversation seriously considering what it would be like for me to give birth without him here.  I KNOW that military wives do this all the time.  And I KNOW it wouldn't be the end of the world.  But ALSO, my husband is only 6 hours away!  And I'd heard multiple times how the Air Force tries its darndest to be family friendly.  ...I just wasn't seeing it.  They weren't going to let him out of a shift should I go into labor while he worked, and they were pretty adamant that he had to be at other required things the week of her due date and following weeks as well.  In my mind, them saying they're trying to be more family friendly then refusing to work with him on his schedule was just plain unacceptable. 

I'm not trying to bad mouth them.  I'm sure there is a perfectly legitimate reason.  I just don't think that I agree with that reason.  My poor husband was nearly in tears with the thought of not being here and feeling helpless to change that-- all the while, being in the same state and perfectly capable of transportation. 

At my appointment on Thursday, my doctor asked if I'd ever considered delivering in San Antonio.  My initial reaction was a solid, unwavering NO.   I believe my words were, "I mean, we can talk about it, but I really don't think that's something we're interested in." We have a doctor we love, a birthing center I'm in love with, great nurses, friends, family ALL HERE.  So why would I leave that? 

BECAUSE HE'S MY HUSBAND AND AUDRA'S DAD.  

No matter how many pros about here I can think of, or how many cons to being there that I can think of, the fact that I LOVE HIM and I can't imagine going through something so major without him outweighs them all.  He's the only person in the world that I think I would be ok with making whatever weird labor faces I'll make... whatever animalistic noises (I hear that happens) may come out, whatever nasty ...leakage... happens, or WHATEVER else there is... I'd be ok with him seeing that.  I know this man loves me, and I feel comfortable enough for him to see that, by my side.  Not only comfortable enough... I WANT him by my side!

So it looks like if Audra can hold off until the 26th, I'll be heading to San Antonio to wait out her delivery.  I've heard and read really great things about their new birthing center (opened in Oct.), and am hoping to get a few good recommendations on doctors there.  We'll have to get an appointment scheduled for as soon as I get into town, but other than that, I think everything will come together quite easily.  The thought of Nic not having to travel back and forth between us and SA, and the thought of him coming "home" to us after his shifts/classes/whatever makes my heart so happy.  It's going to be stressful getting there.  And it's going to be stressful delivering there, especially after having acquainted myself so well with UMC and the UMC staff.  But, like I said, being with him is the most important thing (besides a healthy baby, obviously). 

I have to admit, this has all been pretty hard to me.  SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!  I try to remember to put my worries in God's hands and remember that He has a plan that will work out beautifully.  I've just always had trouble with trusting in that.  I wish I weren't such a planner sometimes!  I worry about whether I'll like my doctor, whether they'll follow our birth plan, about breast feeding, whether I'll have everything I need, whether I'll go into labor during one of Nic's shifts (if that were the case, he would still have to finish his shift), about pleasing all of our families, and to top it all off- WE'LL BE MOVING LESS THAN A MONTH AFTER SHE'S BORN.  So there's still all of the house stuff to think about.  After the normal day of battling the end of the year craziness with 14-year-olds and thinking about all of these personal things, I could just come home and CRASH.  But of course, when I try to sleep I can't... because I'm 9 months pregnant. 

I guess this turned into more of a vent session than I was intending.  There's just a LOT going on right now, and sometimes I feel sad about that.  There are times when I wish we could just be "normal" and JUST worry about having a baby, and NOTHING ELSE!  I know that a few months from now, when we're safe and settled into our new house in Virginia, none of this will seem as big of a deal.  I'm confident, though, that I'll be happy it's over. 

I have to admit... I'll be happy for Audra to be able to claim San Antonio as her birth city.  I've only been those few times, but I've already decided that it's a pretty rad place to be.

How far along:  37 weeks on Monday

How big is baby: She should weigh somewhere around 6 lbs. right now, and be about a foot and a half (18 in.) long.

Labor Status: Dilated to a 1!  Who knew?!?

Belly position: She's dropped a little bit and instead of feeling her mostly in my middle region, I feel her way lower, like UNDER my belly button.  I hear this will continue until she basically feels like a bowling ball between my legs.  Lovely.

As far as her positioning inside my body, her head is down and her legs are up, more toward my right side. 

Maternity clothes:  I pretty much feel like I wear the same things over and over... well, because I DO!  I wish I had more $ to have a large maternity wardrobe.  The only light in this tunnel is that here in a few months I should hopefully no longer need these wardrobe pieces. 

Movement:  Moving all the time!  I've noticed her movements change a bit.  Now, instead of just kicking or flailing her hands and arms around, she's been pushing OUT.  I think she's getting a little cramped in there!  Sometimes she'll push straight up (into my ribs) or straight down (into my bladder), but the FUN ones to watch are when she pushes straight out on my stomach. 

She still gets hiccups at least twice a day, usually 3 times.  Earlier in the week, she had hiccups so hard that my name tag at work (which hangs on a lanyard) was moving from her hiccups.  I pointed it out to a few kids and now I hear them tell someone about it almost every day.  They thought that was just so cool!  :)

Exercise:  Only two times this week.  Like I said, it was sort of a stressful week.  Pretty sure my heart rate rose enough for me to just say I worked out 3 times. :)

What I'm loving:  The fact that there are only 2 WEEKS left of school!  I'll miss my colleagues, but MAN will it be nice to have school checked off the list and be able to focus on Audra and her birth.
Oh, ANNNNND baby shower #3 is TOMORROW!  Once again, another exciting thing that I looked forward to on the calendar is HERE!  Can't wait to see all of the cute, fun things that Nic's mom and aunt put together.  They are quite wonderful.  :)

What I'm NOT loving:  All of the things swirling around in my head!  I'm so ready for some peace and for things to be calm.  Funny... I remember when things were so calm and peaceful, I would wish for SOMETHING to stir things up just a bit.  And now I'm taking it back... give me peace, give me calm, give me low-stress & happiness! 
I'm also not loving the fact that I feel sort of like a beached whale.  I'm the largest I've ever been in my whole entire life.  It's weird to picture myself in my head then see this other person in the mirror.  This would make an interesting psychological study, come to think of it.  ...I'm just not used to this body.  I want ME back!

What I miss:  My husband being mine, all mine, and not having to share him with the Air Force.  But that's not changing any time soon.  I miss good sleep, too. 

I think Virginia Beach on a few of Nic's days off will be a MUST.  Some R & R will do us good.



Hopefully your lives are a little more stable and less stressful at this moment!
Love you all!

A Happy Heart [36 weeks]

I just had a WONDERFUL weekend with my handsome husband!  He had a few days off from his clinicals so he was able to come home and meet me here on Friday evening.  Here's a quick recap of my weekend and all the reasons I loved it:

Friday
After school, I went to get a pedicure since we were having pictures taken Saturday morning (the fact that my toes didn't even show b/c I was wearing heels is beside the point).  Everything about this month-- the weather, the fact that there are 3 weeks left of school, the fact that the pool is open-- is screaming SUMMER!  I opted for a bright pink with teal polka dots.  For now, my summer is living on my toes.  :)


THE HUSBAND:  As if this even needs an explanation... every time I see his sweet smiley face and feel his arms around me, my heart melts and all is right in the world.  He gave me my first Mother's Day present!!!  Since he won't be here next weekend, he made sure it happened early.  It consisted of a really precious card and then a Willow People figurine of a couple with their new baby.  The title of it is Our Gift.  My mom had gotten us one with a man and his pregnant wife, so this that he got me for Mother's Day was PERFECT!  I know our Audra isn't quite here yet, but it's not too much longer!  I cried happy tears and we sat in love until we were too hungry to sit any longer.  :-D  We ate at Cancun then watched TV in bed while I fell asleep (we were both pretty tired as he had just worked a night shift and... well... I'm about 9 months pregnant).
I felt like a giddy little school girl with my husband's presence near me for the rest of the weekend.

Saturday
The same lady that's taking Audra's newborn pics (Lynette Reeves with Only Imagine Photography) also took our maternity pictures.  It was great to meet her, and I cannot WAIT to see what she did!  We took them in two locations: 1) at the Veteran's Memorial where my dad swore Nic in as an AF officer, and then 2) at a local park where there are lots of trees and a pretty playa lake with a fountain.  I'm thinking they'll look pretty sweet!

The rest of Saturday was spent doing CrossFit, finally eating Chipotle again (for some reason the thought of it made me nauseous for months), having dinner with his parents and taking home the baby clothes his mom washed.  (She's pretty awesome, btw.)

Sunday
Sunday was our day of relaxation.  We slept WAY in, watched a podcast from church, lounged some more then did a bit of shopping.  I was able to get some foam paper to use as separators for Audra's clothes, a maternity swimsuit, and Nic got some classic children's stories he'd seen at Barnes & Noble (we got The Secret Garden and A Little Princess).  I'm in love with the fact that he wants to read to her SO BADLY.  I simply cannot wait to witness this!  Almost too much cuteness for one heart to handle.

Nic helped me fine sort the baby clothes (his mom had pretty much already done this) and we got the separators in their spots.  Looks good, don't you think?

After that, the only bad things about this weekend happened... and within minutes of each other:  Nic left, then the garage door broke.  Boo and boo again.  I said my goodbyes and then shut the garage as I went inside and heard a huge loud noise as soon as I was in the house.  I looked and saw that one of the springs had snapped.  Well, crap.  We knew it needed to be looked at b/c the springs were loose and it was making weird noises, and finally the thing fell apart.  So it's out of commission for a while... hopefully our landlord will have it looked at in the near future.

And before I leave, here's the update:

How far along: 36 weeks tomorrow!  4 weeks till our due date!!!

How big is baby: Weighs about 5 lbs. now! And holy moly can I tell! ;)

Maternity clothes:  Just bought a maternity swimsuit today.  I don't care if those cute skinny college girls stare at my huge belly... it's HOT outside and I WANT TO SWIM!  :)  And plus my friend Kristine goes and she's pretty pregnant too, so it'll just be a little preggo party out there for us.

Sleep:  Not good.  I did make a new arrangement in which I sleep inclined and also with a pillow between my knees.  This helps keep my hips from falling asleep, but it's a hassle to turn over since you have to move the pillow, move your belly, etc.  I don't think I go more than 1 sleep cycle (about 1.5 hrs) without waking up.  Yuck.

Movement:  She's our little mover!  I love it!  Actually, yesterday was kind of a milestone in her movement:  she actually hurt me!  Her head is down and her feet are up, slanted to my right.  She stretched and kicked my right rib right in the bone.  I've heard of this happening, but her strength and sneakiness was startling.  And we still have a whole month left.
When she's fully stretched out, which she does every now and then, I feel like her head is down past my hip bones and her feet are all the way up by my ribs.  It amazes me how BIG she is!  She's been pressing out more lately and I can actually feel her little feet if I put my hand under my ribs.  If she curls her legs up extra, I can tell where they are.  Sometimes when she stretches, her head (or hand) goes right into my bladder area and it's the most sudden insane urge to use the bathroom I've ever experienced to this point.  Usually she'll stay that stretched out for only a few seconds, then she'll move back to where she was and the feeling will go away.  I guess it's getting pretty cramped in there! 
She gets the hiccups multiple times a day.  It's fun for me to feel her rhythmic movements.  It's fun to let other people feel those, too, since I know she can't stop them.  :)  Last night when I was sleeping she had them SO HARD that it was jolting my whole body.  I was dreaming while this was happening, and I was telling someone in my dream that Audra was hiccuping and having them feel my stomach.  Then I woke up and realized it was happening for real.  It was kind of funny.  She got them again later in the morning and again after we ate lunch.  3 times a day isn't uncommon for the hiccups; for us anyway.

Belly-button:  An innie that is sticking out.  You'll get to see it when the maternity pics are up. 

Exercise:  4 times this past week.  Woot woot!  Monday, Tuesday, Thursday & Saturday.  So easy & so quick, but it's something.

What I'm loving:  The countdown!  I've always been told + or - 2 weeks from the due date... so realistically, she could come in only 2 weeks!  I can't believe how fast it's going by!

What I'm NOT loving:  Not having a nursery.  I had another little pity party moment there earlier in the month because so many of my friends are posting pics of their cute nurseries as they prepare for their babies.  And they're due AFTER me.  I've got a guest room with a bunch of baby stuff not at all in its place (except for the clothes).  The crib isn't set up (and won't be until after we move), we've got no bedding and no decorations for the walls.  I know all of this will fall into place VERY quickly after we get to Virginia... I just wish I could do it now.  I'm ready to nest her room into perfection but I can't.  My mom keeps telling me to keep my head up, that she'll help me get it all settled once we get to Virginia, and I fully believe her.  So for now, I just stare at everything while I blow dry my hair in the mornings.  I can't wait for her to have her own space.

What I miss:  My husband, of course.  Being able to bend over.  Rolling over without using my hands and feet to propel me.  Breathing like normal.  Running errands without feeling like I ran a marathon (not that I ever have, but I can imagine).


That's all, and according to Nic, it's past my bedtime.  Haha.  Goodnight!

Oops... [34 weeks]

Things these past few weekends have been quite hectic, as I may have mentioned in the last post.  Nic is currently at Lackland AFB in San Antonio for the Nurse Transition Program, and I've been going to see him pretty much every chance I've gotten.  San Antonio is only about 6 hours away, and the drive is actually quite scenic (at least during the half closest to San Antonio).  The first time I drove all the way by myself was particularly eventful.  I was embarrassed and shameful to talk about it at the time, but it could really happen to anyone, so I'm ready to write about it now.

It was toward the beginning of this month, I was leaving on a Thursday afternoon since we had Good Friday off from school.  I was hoping to hit the road around 4:45, but I had a doctor's appt at 4:15 and they happened to be running behind (not usually the case), so it was shortly after 5 by the time I hit the highway.

Things were going really well there for quite a while.  I was stopping to use the restroom when I felt like I needed; I was jamming to my jams, talking [using hands free] to my peeps...  I was really focused on the directions Nic had given me.  I knew that coming up very shortly would be a highway change.  It wasn't just a highway change; it was the change that basically meant I was getting really close and it wouldn't be too much longer until I got to him.  By this time, I'd been driving for over 4 hours and I felt good!  I was almost to my man, and we'd be spending the WHOLE WEEKEND together!  Shortly after I made the highway switch, a little light came on... ya... the GAS LIGHT.  But no biggie... Nic and I had been (unfortunately) in the habit of letting that happen in the past (in the city though, not on road trips), so I knew that I could drive a while and get to a gas station.  As the light caught my eye, I took notice that I was passing a gas station, but I wasn't too concerned; I knew I had quite a while before I ran out.  Right?  Wrong.  I'm sure as smart as you are, you've already figured out that I ran out of gas.  Seriously, I went over 40 miles with NO GAS STATIONS.  WHAT KIND OF HIGHWAY PLANNER DOES THAT?  Anyway, the speed limit was a whopping 80 mph, so my 1st concern was just getting off the highway before someone plowed me from behind.  So I got off the highway very quickly, and then realized I should have gotten even further off the highway.  I'm feelin' pretty nervous about how close I am to the white line (I had about 3 or so feet between me and the line), but of course I can't move since I have no gas.

I call Nic to come rescue me (which he was very sweet about, considering I was more than an hour from him) and he advises me to stay in the car.  The last thing he wanted was his little pregnant wife to be standing on the side of the highway in the dark.  So I stay in my car, all the while it's rocking as semi's are passing and I'm thinking,  man... I'm pretty freakin' close to the road; PLEASE GOD KEEP ME SAFE!!!  I called my parents to update them (since I would not be arriving at my ETA).  (Anyone else STILL have to call their parents on long road trips? Yes, I think it's a little silly, too, but to them I'm still small I guess.  Even though I'm 27.)  Being on the phone with my parents was just bad timing, because I think the following event would have been less dramatic if I were just able to tell them about it.  But we happened to be on the phone when this happened:  a semi came so close to me it knocked of my driver side mirror.  I mean GONE; pieces in the road.  Of course it scared the bejeezus out of me so I screamed, and my parents probably thought I'd been hit in a much more major way.  Of course it wasn't that bad... but it's scary to think how darn close I kind of came to it!  Just a few more feet over and that would have been it for me and little Audra.  But God obviously has other plans.

So my parents insisted that I call 911 and get a policeman out there so the flashing lights could help with visibility.  I'm not sure why I didn't think of that before.  So I called, and they came, and Nic finally came and gave me some gas and we were on our way to finally arrive in San Antonio for bed around 1:30.

The rest of the weekend I was quite shaken by the whole ordeal.  Just, you know, frazzled from a semi being feet away from taking my life.  And with the whole broken mirror thing came the fact that I got to drive all over San Antonio (a quite large and unfamiliar city to me) to get my mirror replaced (you know, since I don't want to drive 6 hours back home without a mirror).  But in the end, the mirror was fixed, I was with Nic, I was fine, Audra was fine and we were able to just count our blessings that it wasn't worse.

I really feel like the worst part of it all is how incapable it made me seem.  I have never NEVER run out of gas in my entire life!  Between Nic and I, I'm always the one to say that we need to get gas.  I like to think of myself as pretty responsible, confident and capable of doing what I want and need to do.   Which is why running out of gas on the side of the highway and then stopping close to the white line seems like such an idiot thing to do.  Of course, the rest of the weekend my parents and Nic's parents are calling to check on me (particularly on the drive home) and are asking about my gas levels and how everything was working, etc.  I felt the need to iterate to all who were concerned that it was just a really REALLY dumb thing that happened.  Because dumb things of that magnitude aren't so typical of me.  Now dumb things of a smaller magnitude (like losing my keys in my own classroom or forgetting whether I printed something so I print it 4 times) I am more than fine with owning up to.  But that time... that was just embarrassing.  SO, moral of the story:  pay attention to your gas, and even smart people run out of gas.  And it doesn't make you less smart or less capable if you DO run out of gas; it just makes you feel dumb. 

So it was a big, sincere "ooops" moment.   Glad things are finally getting back to normal.  :-)


A QUICK UPDATE:
How far along: 34 weeks

How big is baby: weighs about 4.75 lbs. now (about as much as a cantaloupe)!

Sleep:  I wake up 1-2 times a night to use the bathroom, but many more from discomfort.  My hips are the main problem; they fall asleep and seem to stay asleep, even after I've taken the pressure off.  Grrrr!

Movement:  She's quite the little mover!  The kids can even see my belly move when I'm teaching in front of the class, which is kind of funny.  I had read about baby hiccups, but hadn't experienced them  until these last few weeks.  Now I feel like she gets them almost daily.  I can tell they're hiccups because she doesn't really move all that much if I try to feel her except when I feel her hiccup.  It feels just like a little bump, very rhythmic and constant.  I was surprised at how quick they are.  I'd say she hiccups once every 5-10 seconds.  I feel like as a grown human, I hiccup once every 20-30 seconds.  It's fun to feel her move.  I'm loving this part!

Belly-button:  Still an innie that's squishy feeling- what I would think an outtie would feel like.  Someday I'll take a picture and post it, but not today.

Exercise: Only 2 times last week, but 3 times the week before and this week will be 3 or 4 as well.  I'm still doing crossfitmom (from crossfitmom.com) and am now doing the "Beginner" workouts so I'm sure to give little Audra enough of what she needs to keep growing and moving.

What I'm loving:  The countdown!  The movements!  That most people are SO nice to pregnant ladies!  I feel like I'm getting waited on hand and food quite often; but I'm not so used to that.  It still feels kind of awkward to me to just have people doing all these things for me.  But I'll take it!

What I'm NOT loving:  That things are seriously getting a bit hard around here.  Even just sitting.  My stomach kind of rests on my legs, which is not comfortable for breathing.  But I don't want to be nasty and spread my legs to let my stomach hang through... (sigh) Standing, particularly standing still, and also walking-- especially in heat-- are all pretty difficult.
     I'm also not loving all the sweets I'm craving.  I've never been a sweets fanatic till Audra and now I just can't get enough.  Anyone who knows me well knows I have a thing about teeth, and I always want my teeth to feel clean... and all of these sweets just make my mouth feel pretty gross.  I hope this trend goes away after birth. 

What I miss:  Life as I knew it:  1) working out like I mean it, 2) eating hot dogs whenever I want, 3) bending over comfortably, 4) sitting comfortably, 5) filling my lungs all the way up when I breath, 6) recognizing the body in the mirror, 7) laying out without concern of overheating the baby and concern for strange tan/burns due to pregnancy-related skin sensitivity, 8) iced tea without worries... 
I think that may be it for now.  ;-)




As always, thanks for reading!  Please let me know if you did so I know to keep up with these things!  Love you all, and hope you're well!