I am attempting to keep this blog a positive place. It's a place that has recently become all about Audra. I LOVE talking about Audra, mainly because I LOVE to be helpful to a lot of you reading. I know some of my favorite blogs are those where fellow mamas talk about their experiences, favorite products, and life in general with babies. They're helpful, and they prevent me from having to do a ton of research, especially if I feel that I identify with them and can trust their opinions.
But I think it's important to be honest, too. It's not fair to show you only the pretty side of things and make you think that's how it always is. I'm talking about how it's all about Audra. Not just my blog, now. MY LIFE. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE MY BABY MORE THAN I EVEN KNOW HOW TO PUT INTO WORDS. I would give my life for her! I can go on listing other ways to affirm to you how much I love her, but let's just call it good. I LOVE HER. There's no truer statement. But it gets overwhelming. It's such a place of limbo to be in; one that is implied a lot of time, but one that people also choose not to talk about a lot of time. I think it's because people, like this blog, mostly choose to focus on the positive. Because there is SO MUCH positive to focus on! A beautiful, gorgeous baby. Learning new things. Smiling. Kissing. Hugging. Babbling. Laughing. Loving me. But also. BUT ALSO... crying. Clawing at my face. Refusing to let me take a whole shower in peace. Whining when I try to pump. Waking me multiple times a night. Starting the morning with more crying. Refusing to eat the food I spent time making. And generally taking up every single minute of my time. Even when she's sleeping, she's taking up my time. I'm thinking of her. Educating myself on things for her. Buying things online for her. Writing this blog about her.
So I find myself in this limbo. On one side: loving this new life with our baby- both the good and the bad that come with it. And on the other: feeling selfish and wanting to hand her over to my or my husband's parents and just jet off to a sunny warm island and lay on the beach, drinking piña coladas and "forgetting" my baby. For just a little while. I say "forgetting" because I know that the second I hit that beach, I'll be wondering what Audra's up to and how she's doing, whether she's happy and sleeping well and eating her food, etc. I'm feeling like my brain is never going to rest again. And that's probably just the reality of it. But guys? My brain is TIRED. My BODY is tired. My holding-shiz-together-ness is feeling like it wants to quit. Not forever! Just for a little while. I need a break. I mean more than an afternoon. More than even a day, probably. And it can't happen here, at the house, because then I'd just end up cleaning or something, because my OCD self can't fully relax until there's nothing else to do.
Recently, Nic and I finally got to have a candid, honest conversation, and I ended in tears just telling him how tired I am. And how I don't feel like myself anymore. I used to be an adult. One who enjoyed good food and sitting on patios and Happy Hour with friends. One who saw movies in the theater kind of frequently and went shopping for clothes that are in season. And now? Now I feel a little trapped. Trapped because of breastfeeding (can't leave her with anyone for any extended length of time), trapped because of very delicate nap time hours (as I talked about last post ), trapped because of the amount of work that has fallen on my shoulders because of her, but at the same time less time to do it because of her. That's not to say this is ALWAYS how I feel. I think it's just been a very very long time since I've gotten to be... well... ME. Right now I feel like me, the mom. And then sometimes (if I don't fall asleep first), I'm me, the wife. And very very rarely do I get to be me, the adult in an adult world. Something's gotta give. There's got to be some way for me to recharge this mom battery of mine. I do know that this feeling goes away almost as quickly as it comes, but the fact of the matter is that this feeling still exists. And from what I'm reading around the web, it exists in a lot moms.
I HATE admitting this. I HATE the fact that this is sounding like complaining. Complaining is not how I intend this to sound. I mean it to be an honest look at the feelings of a stay-at-home-mom (perhaps ANY mom), from time to time.
It's important for me to stress how much I LOVE MY BABY. I wouldn't trade motherhood for a lifetime on warm, sandy beaches. I wouldn't trade it for anything. There are infinitely more good days than bad; more happy moments than stressful moments; more JOY and LOVE than anything else I can think of.
Sometimes a mom just needs an extended break to be... well... free from being a mom.
Girl,
ReplyDeleteI love you. I love your honesty. I love you sincerity. It happens to the best of moms. Now, I think you're amazing. I think you're doing a great job. I can't imagine what it's like to be a stay at home mom. I say, look at a part-time job. Just something little to keep you busy for a half day and get you out there. Nothing tiring, or excessive. Just fun and happy with good people. I don't know what the home situation is and stuff but I don't think Nic would freak out about that. Maybe think about it, talk about it. I have to say, that even being military and with how hard it is, it's given me a place to be during the day; with adults to talk to. You will think about your baby, yes. But you will have time to concentrate on something else. I don't know what all you like, but geez, work at a bakery store or something. Simple, not for the money, but for the sanity.
I've thought about that MANY times! The only problem would be, that it would have to cover the cost of someone watching her while I'm gone. And not just ANYONE, someone who I can trust to follow all of my type-A tendencies and for things to continue to roll for her as usual without me. I don't know if that really exists. I know it would in a daycare, but that's far too expensive. And I don't know that I would put that on any mom friend of mine. I have- and still do some days- consider(ed) it. Haven't found a solution that works for us.
DeleteAnd thank you for the kind words!
DeleteYou are most welcome :) Listen, this is the other worst thing a mom can do. We all do/did it. Don't feel like you're "putting it off" on your friends. Friends are friends for a reason!! Pay them a little bit. Find someone willing, that you like and trust. Talk to them, work out a small price. There is no way that a friend would feel "put off on." I promise. I never had anyone watch my baby. My husband was deployed for her first 8 months and I did it alone...the WHOLE time. I felt like I was asking anyone too much to watch my young infant. It's not the case!!! You have to tell yourself that. I would more than offer up my services if I stayed at home lol. I think you can do it. A lot of this is a mental state that moms get in. Friends are there for you and they totally understand. They won't feel "put off on." Promise :)
DeleteStefanie,
ReplyDeleteWhat you are feeling is normal. I think every mom goes through it. There is not a dobut in my mind that you don't love Audra, thats so very effident in the way you care for her every need. But even moms need time to themselves once in awhile. To be pampered and to feel like you have a life too. So don't feel bad about what you wrote. Maybe you could find a day care where you could leave Audra for a couple hours and do some work for them for payment. It won't hurt to leave Audra with Nic's parents for awhile so that you can have some ME time. Being a mother doesn't stop who you are, to me being a mom was the greatest gift I ever received from God. But I still had to have some Me time. You start out by leaving her a couple hours a day with some trusted friends or at a daycare or even at your church (if they have daycare) and then when that works out you leave her a little longer. It will eventually get better as she gets older and you can leave her because she will be weaned off the breast. Just hang in there. Better times are coming. But don't feel bad for expressing how you feel. As I said, if they will admit it, most mothers have felt this way at one time or another in their life. You are a very good and loving mother to Audra, a loving wife to Nic, but you are also Stefanie, who is an individual with needs her own. You can't be everything to everyone. I love you. Aunt Betty