Me, The Mom.

I am attempting to keep this blog a positive place.  It's a place that has recently become all about Audra.  I LOVE talking about Audra, mainly because I LOVE to be helpful to a lot of you reading.  I know some of my favorite blogs are those where fellow mamas talk about their experiences, favorite products, and life in general with babies.  They're helpful, and they prevent me from having to do a ton of research, especially if I feel that I identify with them and can trust their opinions.

But I think it's important to be honest, too.  It's not fair to show you only the pretty side of things and make you think that's how it always is.  I'm talking about how it's all about Audra.  Not just my blog, now.  MY LIFE.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE MY BABY MORE THAN I EVEN KNOW HOW TO PUT INTO WORDS.  I would give my life for her!  I can go on listing other ways to affirm to you how much I love her, but let's just call it good.  I LOVE HER.  There's no truer statement.  But it gets overwhelming.  It's such a place of limbo to be in; one that is implied a lot of time, but one that people also choose not to talk about a lot of time.  I think it's because people, like this blog, mostly choose to focus on the positive.  Because there is SO MUCH positive to focus on!  A beautiful, gorgeous baby.  Learning new things.  Smiling.  Kissing.  Hugging.  Babbling.  Laughing.  Loving me.  But also.  BUT ALSO... crying.  Clawing at my face.  Refusing to let me take a whole shower in peace.  Whining when I try to pump.  Waking me multiple times a night.  Starting the morning with more crying.  Refusing to eat the food I spent time making.  And generally taking up every single minute of my time.  Even when she's sleeping, she's taking up my time.  I'm thinking of her.  Educating myself on things for her.  Buying things online for her.  Writing this blog about her.

So I find myself in this limbo.  On one side:  loving this new life with our baby- both the good and the bad that come with it.  And on the other:  feeling selfish and wanting to hand her over to my or my husband's parents and just jet off to a sunny warm island and lay on the beach, drinking piña coladas and "forgetting" my baby.  For just a little while.  I say "forgetting" because I know that the second I hit that beach, I'll be wondering what Audra's up to and how she's doing, whether she's happy and sleeping well and eating her food, etc.  I'm feeling like my brain is never going to rest again.  And that's probably just the reality of it.  But guys?  My brain is TIRED.  My BODY is tired.  My holding-shiz-together-ness is feeling like it wants to quit.  Not forever!  Just for a little while.  I need a break.  I mean more than an afternoon.  More than even a day, probably.  And it can't happen here, at the house, because then I'd just end up cleaning or something, because my OCD self can't fully relax until there's nothing else to do. 

Recently, Nic and I finally got to have a candid, honest conversation, and I ended in tears just telling him how tired I am.  And how I don't feel like myself anymore.  I used to be an adult.  One who enjoyed good food and sitting on patios and Happy Hour with friends.  One who saw movies in the theater kind of frequently and went shopping for clothes that are in season.  And now?  Now I feel a little trapped.  Trapped because of breastfeeding (can't leave her with anyone for any extended length of time), trapped because of very delicate nap time hours (as I talked about last post ), trapped because of the amount of work that has fallen on my shoulders because of her, but at the same time less time to do it because of her.  That's not to say this is ALWAYS how I feel.  I think it's just been a very very long time since I've gotten to be... well... ME.   Right now I feel like me, the mom.  And then sometimes (if I don't fall asleep first), I'm me, the wife.  And very very rarely do I get to be me, the adult in an adult world.  Something's gotta give.  There's got to be some way for me to recharge this mom battery of mine.  I do know that this feeling goes away almost as quickly as it comes, but the fact of the matter is that this feeling still exists.  And from what I'm reading around the web, it exists in a lot moms.    

I HATE admitting this.  I HATE the fact that this is sounding like complaining.  Complaining is not how I intend this to sound.  I mean it to be an honest look at the feelings of a stay-at-home-mom (perhaps ANY mom), from time to time.

It's important for me to stress how much I LOVE MY BABY.  I wouldn't trade motherhood for a lifetime on warm, sandy beaches.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  There are infinitely more good days than bad; more happy moments than stressful moments; more JOY and LOVE than anything else I can think of. 

Sometimes a mom just needs an extended break to be... well... free from being a mom.