Last night was a rough one. In trying to take the advice of our pediatrician, I ended up with a screaming baby for over two hours from about 1:30-3:30 am. I had been advised not to feed her (my thoughts on that another day), but instead to just put her back in bed while drowsy, but not asleep. I was trying. Lordy, was I trying. I rocked her until she was almost asleep, then put her in her bed ever-so-carefully. She woke right up. I tried again. And again, she woke up. I tried again, deciding to just let her REALLY fall asleep in my arms before putting her down. Again she woke up. I tried and I tried and I tried, but she just.wasn't.having it! She showed this through not a little whine, but a shrill shrieking, 'WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME DOWN AGAIN?!?' noise. I was frustrated, to say the least. I was firm with my baby, "Audra, go.to.SLEEP!" I felt like crying, I was so tired, and my stomach was tight with fear that she would NEVER go back to sleep (ridiculous, I know). I felt like cursing, I felt like yelling, so I stepped out and called my husband who is a nurse and was working the night shift. I explained that I was about to lose it and I just needed a minute, so he let me vent-- the whole time, Audra screaming that high-pitched, ear-piercing shrill scream through the monitor letting me know that she was impatiently waiting. In the end, I caved. I fed her, and she fell right asleep. And within seconds, so did I.
This morning, I woke up feeling guilty. My baby needed comforting in her favorite way, and I was telling her no. Me holding her and rocking her and using the pacifier just wasn't the same to her. She wanted the intimacy of me feeding her, and the familiarity of falling asleep in that routine. My heart was aching for the way I acted toward her in her moments of desperation. I'm supposed to try to understand her! In the moment, I thought she was being stubborn and just trying to get her way. But as a friend reminded me, manipulation is a complex thought process. Babies don't know how to manipulate! I felt like crying today, knowing she wanted me so badly for HOURS and I was telling her no. Not a great start to the day.
Then. Oh, THEN I saw the news. My already heavy heart cried tears of sadness for those Connecticut families who lost their children in the school shooting. As an educator, I also felt for those teachers and other school personnel. I can tell you first hand that my biggest fear when teaching was that a student would be harmed in my care, when I had the power to stop it. I think about those little 5 year olds. I think about story time and building and counting and trying really REALLY hard to stay quiet in the hallways and how much help they need in the cafeteria. 5 years old. A world of play. A world of imagination. A world of innocence. ...instantly yanked into reality within seconds, in the one place their parents thought was safe. I cried.
I looked at my baby, and remembered how frustrated I was at 3 am when she wouldn't quit crying, and I cried harder. My baby is ALIVE. I have my baby to hold, in both good times and bad, but the parents of those victims don't have that anymore. I think about the world in which Audra lives, and how trusting she is in it. As I've said before, she's a very PEOPLE person. She loves to smile and be held by everyone, even strangers. She doesn't know anything about guns, or dying, or having to be afraid or weary of others who may hurt her. What if it were MY baby to be the inviting, friendly, happy-go-lucky child one minute then be struck by tragedy the next... it breaks my heart. And it makes me really REALLY angry.
I'm angry that I can't trust the world to preserve the innocence of my child. I'm angry that this incident will force my husband and I to revisit the topic of homeschooling. I'm angry that things like this will result in a world full of locks, scanners, and conversations with far-too-young children about violence and dying. I know that life isn't fair, but dangit can't we let our babies keep that innocence of being babies for just a little bit longer?
So today, I hold my baby extra close and tonight, I'll keep her in my arms an extra long time. And if she keeps me awake again, I won't mind one bit! I've still got my baby to hold and smell and love, and I will remind myself that every second with her is a gift.
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