Merry Christmas 2012

Christmas Letter 2012:

December 2012

Friends and family,

I (Nic) hope this letter finds you well and enjoying all of the joy and happiness that the Christmas season has to offer. Thanks to my lovely wife, our house has been full of the sights, sounds, and smells of Christmas, and it is a thing of beauty. As I sit to write this letter, my heart could truly not be happier. There have been many changes for our family in 2012, and I mean big changes. But from these changes have also come many blessings.

The first big change we had was my leaving for Commissioned Officer Training (COT) to become an officer in the Air Force Nurse Corp. The hardest part was knowing that I would miss the entire third trimester of Stef’s pregnancy. We would be apart from February 28 to June 15. The first five of those weeks I would be at COT at Maxwell AFB in Montgomery, Alabama. I would then be in San Antonio for ten weeks for my orientation to Air Force nursing, the Nurse Transition Program. We knew life in the military would be hard, but it was also an amazing opportunity for our family, and the fulfillment of a long-time dream for me.

All along our time apart, we were operating under the assumption that I would come back to Lubbock from San Antonio for Audra’s birth (due June 4). We loved our obstetrician, the hospital, and the fact that we had lots of family and friends close by. However, through some unforeseen circumstances, we made the decision that Stef would come down to San Antonio to deliver our baby girl (you can read all of the details on Stef’s blog, www.stefaniewilliams-foreverinspired.blogspot.com). All that really matters is that our little angel, Audra Kayte, made her debut on June 10, 2012. She was beautiful, healthy, and perfect. Our lives were forever changed…and so were our sleep patterns.

I finished the Nurse Transition Program a few days after Audra was born, and we headed back to Lubbock to see family, pack up our life, and move to Virginia where I am stationed at         AFB. It was a little nerve-racking thinking about driving half-way across the country with a not-quite-3-week-old baby, but it worked out quite well: she slept for the majority of the trip. 27 hours of driving time later, we rolled into        , VA to start our new life as an Air Force family.

Stef and I have both enjoyed taking on the role of parenting. There is nothing that can prepare you for the realization that you will be responsible for the life and well-being of a tiny human, and there are no words to describe the immensity of love that begins to grow in your heart for this little person that you’ve only just met. We talk about what her personality will be like, what her interests will be, and what kind of questions she will ask us. We pray for patience and understanding, because Lord knows we will need it. We are so thankful for our little stinker, and so proud to be her parents!

Another big change for us here in Virginia is that Stef is staying at home with Audra. She traded in grading papers of smarty-pants teenagers for changing poopy diapers and reading Dr. Seuss. We are blessed to be able to afford to have one of us stay home, and Stef is rocking in her new role! She has made some friends that also stay at home with little ones, and sends me pictures and texts while I’m at work of all of the fun and exciting adventures that she and Audra have.

As we close out 2012, we have many things to be thankful for, as well as many things to look forward to in 2013. We have found a church that we really enjoy, got plugged in to a small group, and are learning to navigate all of the winding, confusing roads out here on the east coast. I am enjoying my job, and Stef and Audra are having a blast as Audra discovers new and exciting things each and every day. We are so thankful for all of you, and wish you and yours a very merry and blessed Christmas!

Love,

Nic, Stefanie, and Audra

***We're off to Missouri in just a few days.  I hope you all have an amazing Christmas and a safe transition to the new year!***

In The Still Of The Night

Amazing how much one can learn in a week.  I told you last post that I'd give my thoughts on the Dr.'s advice, and here they are.  At Audra's 6 month well-baby checkup, the conversation came up when he asked about her sleep.  I told him she wasn't sleeping through the night anymore, although she used to.  After telling him our normal middle-of-the-night-routine (feed her until she's asleep, or feed then rock back to sleep, then put her in bed), he told us this:  he said since she used to sleep through the night, it's clear that her nutritional needs were being met throughout the day.  That being said, he suggested not feeding her when she wakes in the night.  He said even rocking her every time will make her less likely to fall asleep on her own (long term), and that she needs to get used to waking up and falling back asleep in her crib without getting out.  He suggested rubbing her back, patting her, etc. but trying not to get her out.  So that night, I tried it.

And it went HORRIBLY.  Tears... oh, the tears.  Once she really started crying, I picked her up and rocked her, though I had no intentions of feeding her (since he said she shouldn't need it).  As I stated last post, her crying went on for what seemed like FOREVER until I finally fed her.  And then I had some choices to make.  I found myself thinking that there had to be some middle ground.  Somewhere in between feeding & rocking her to sleep, and not feeding or picking up my baby at all. 

So the next day, I bought The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.  Many, many people had recommended this book so I decided to give it a try.  Last night I finally got a chance to do some reading.  As I kept reading, the question marks slowly started to fade as things became more and more clear.  I felt like I had answers.  I felt like this author had been sitting in Audra's room in the still of the night observing our every movement; she was so spot on.  At one point, she outlined our exact middle-of-the-night-routine, forgetting nothing and adding nothing extra (I was going to quote it, but it's copyrighted).  ;)  Then she talked about the Phases of easing a baby into independent sleep.  Phase One basically being what we're doing now, and Phase Six (the last phase) resulting in comforting from the doorway.  She describes each phase in detail, and... whattaya know, I found the phase that I had tried when trying to implement the Dr.'s advice.  That tearful night, she woke up and I tried patting her back and soothing her from outside the bed... but that's Phase Four!  I had skipped a lot of steps, and (as Pantley confirms) trying to rush the process and jolt the baby out of their normal/comforting midnight routine will only result in stress and tears.  So... lesson learned.

So thank you to any of you who recommended this book.  I can tell that it's going to be a life sleep saver.  It'll take a while before we're the "comfort from the doorway" parents, but I'm confident that we'll get there.  So I'll keep feeding her, as Phase One allows, and we'll slowly make our way to where the Dr. wants us to be.  I have to give him a bit of credit; at the end of all 6 phases, Audra will be where he recommended- so his advice isn't totally off.  It would have been helpful, though, if he told us how to ease her to that point rather than making us believe that we should just do it cold turkey.  The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.  Loving it.

On a sidenote:  my milk production had been down (which should have told me that of course she was hungry in the night), and I fixed it!  More Milk Plus by Motherlove.  Tastes awful, but increased my production to nearly double in just 12 hours.  If you're a breastfeeding mama, perhaps it can be of some help to you.  :)

I'm loving finding solutions to some of my frustrations.  I've got to admit, I've felt defeated in a lot of different things lately (breastfeeding, sleep, all resulting in tiredness throughout the day resulting in low productivity at home; I think you get the picture).  I think things are going to get better, really really soon.

The World She Knows

Last night was a rough one.  In trying to take the advice of our pediatrician, I ended up with a screaming baby for over two hours from about 1:30-3:30 am.  I had been advised not to feed her (my thoughts on that another day), but instead to just put her back in bed while drowsy, but not asleep.  I was trying.  Lordy, was I trying.  I rocked her until she was almost asleep, then put her in her bed ever-so-carefully.  She woke right up.  I tried again.  And again, she woke up.  I tried again, deciding to just let her REALLY fall asleep in my arms before putting her down.  Again she woke up.  I tried and I tried and I tried, but she just.wasn't.having it!  She showed this through not a little whine, but a shrill shrieking, 'WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME DOWN AGAIN?!?' noise.  I was frustrated, to say the least.  I was firm with my baby, "Audra, go.to.SLEEP!"  I felt like crying, I was so tired, and my stomach was tight with fear that she would NEVER go back to sleep (ridiculous, I know).  I felt like cursing, I felt like yelling, so I stepped out and called my husband who is a nurse and was working the night shift.  I explained that I was about to lose it and I just needed a minute, so he let me vent-- the whole time, Audra screaming that high-pitched, ear-piercing shrill scream through the monitor letting me know that she was impatiently waiting. In the end, I caved.  I fed her, and she fell right asleep.  And within seconds, so did I.

This morning, I woke up feeling guilty.  My baby needed comforting in her favorite way, and I was telling her no.  Me holding her and rocking her and using the pacifier just wasn't the same to her.  She wanted the intimacy of me feeding her, and the familiarity of falling asleep in that routine.  My heart was aching for the way I acted toward her in her moments of desperation.  I'm supposed to try to understand her!  In the moment, I thought she was being stubborn and just trying to get her way.  But as a friend reminded me, manipulation is a complex thought process.  Babies don't know how to manipulate!  I felt like crying today, knowing she wanted me so badly for HOURS and I was telling her no.  Not a great start to the day.

Then.  Oh, THEN I saw the news.  My already heavy heart cried tears of sadness for those Connecticut families who lost their children in the school shooting.  As an educator, I also felt for those teachers and other school personnel.  I can tell you first hand that my biggest fear when teaching was that a student would be harmed in my care, when I had the power to stop it.  I think about those little 5 year olds.  I think about story time and building and counting and trying really REALLY hard to stay quiet in the hallways and how much help they need in the cafeteria.  5 years old.  A world of play.  A world of imagination.  A world of innocence.  ...instantly yanked into reality within seconds, in the one place their parents thought was safe.  I cried. 

I looked at my baby, and remembered how frustrated I was at 3 am when she wouldn't quit crying, and I cried harder.  My baby is ALIVE.  I have my baby to hold, in both good times and bad, but the  parents of those victims don't have that anymore.  I think about the world in which Audra lives, and how trusting she is in it.  As I've said before, she's a very PEOPLE person.  She loves to smile and be held by everyone, even strangers.  She doesn't know anything about guns, or dying, or having to be afraid or weary of others who may hurt her.  What if it were MY baby to be the inviting, friendly, happy-go-lucky child one minute then be struck by tragedy the next... it breaks my heart.  And it makes me really REALLY angry.

I'm angry that I can't trust the world to preserve the innocence of my child.  I'm angry that this incident will force my husband and I to revisit the topic of homeschooling.  I'm angry that things like this will result in a world full of locks, scanners, and conversations with far-too-young children about violence and dying.  I know that life isn't fair, but dangit can't we let our babies keep that innocence of being babies for just a little bit longer?

So today, I hold my baby extra close and tonight, I'll keep her in my arms an extra long time.  And if she keeps me awake again, I won't mind one bit!  I've still got my baby to hold and smell and love, and I will remind myself that every second with her is a gift.

So This Is Love

A lullaby I love to sing:

A facial expression I love:

Sounds I love:

How I love to document memories:

So THIS is love.

Not-So-Silent Night

Well, we knew this day would come and here it is.  Nic's first night shift at Langley.  He worked a few in Lubbock right out of nursing school, which meant that I would jet out of school as fast as the kids in order to have dinner with him before he went in.  It was an adjustment.  At the same time, I was pregnant and working with some very dramatic 14-year-olds, so I was more than ready to go to bed with or without him.  That time around, I only woke up to pee.  This time around, things are a bit different.

Audra's sleep during the night hasn't been very consistent.  There is usually one night a week when she won't wake up at all and I'm singing my praises the following morning.  Then it seems the very next night she may wake up 2 or (Lord help me) 3 times.  I haven't exactly pin-pointed the source of her waking.  Is she hungry? (I feed her each waking.)  Is she just wanting company?  Is she in pain from teething?  I wish she would be more consistent so I could figure it out.  Sometimes when she wakes, she talks and coos like the sweet, happy girl she can be.  Other times, it's an abrupt cry that doesn't end until I get to her side, or until she starts eating (those times make me think teething).  Waking up multiple times to feed a baby and put her back to sleep is exhausting.  If I do it all under an hour, I consider myself lucky.  But about 25% of the time, she'll fall asleep eating and I'll ever.so.slowly. and gently set her down in bed and her eyes will spring open.  Then she'll start crying and I'll have to pick her back up to rock her to sleep all over again.  Sometimes even the second time, she'll wake up.  Nights like that, Nic usually ends up giving it a go because I'll have been awake going on 2 hours at that point.  He's saved my sleep many MANY times.  I'm a little nervous to not have his help.  SINGLE PARENTS, HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU DO IT?!? Nights when I've gotten up 2 or more times with her, he'll usually get up with her in the morning and let me sleep in to make up for lost time. 

Now he's working nights.  Which means he won't be there on those random nights she refuses to go back down.  And he'll be ready for bed at 7 am, which means I'll definitely be waking up with her.  He assured me he'll find a way to help me catch up on sleep, but it would take some time and him getting used to his new schedule.  And I believe him.

I know a lot of you reading this also have new babies, or had a baby once upon a time.  Do your babies wake up all the time too?  What do you do to help with your exhaustion?  I know a few of you are going to tell me to bed share with Audra.  ;-)  But Nic and I decided a long time ago that isn't something we want to do.  We just need our own "us" space.  I'm fine with holding my baby until she falls asleep, and when she's out of the crib, I'll lay down next to her in her room when needed.  But we don't want her falling asleep in our bed at night.  So getting up with her is a must.  Do your babies ever wake up once they hit the bed?  Do you have any tricks to make that exchange easier?  Currently, we do a lot of light shaking/vibrating/patting, and rocking while in the chair.  When she's good & asleep, we get up & continue to vibrate her while we walk to her bed and while we lay her down.  Even when she's down, sometimes we'll lightly shake her little body or vibrate the mattress to ease the transition.  Usually all that does the trick.  But like I said, there are those few times when she wakes right up as soon as her body hits the bed and we start all over again.

So nights are not typically silent for this family.  It's a good thing I really love her.  I can't breathe her or smell her or kiss her enough, and I admit that feeding her in the still of the night will forever be one of my favorite memories.  I just don't want to do it every day.  ;-)

As always, I hope you're happy, healthy, & well!
Love you all!

The Most Awkward Thanksgiving Moment

Just thought you might like a little something to brighten your day.

The following story happened well before I had met Nic, and I was dating another guy.  I hadn't met said guy's extended family, so Thanksgiving was a first (and last I might add) in meeting a lot of them.  I was wearing a v-neck sweater that I felt was appropriate at the time.  Looking back, I can see I probably should have worn something different (but then again, I look back at a lot of things I've done and wonder why?!?).  He had a young cousin who was 3 or 4 years old (I think).  She was darling.  She wanted me to hold her, so I obliged.  I nervously stood there amongst his family, holding the darling little girl and then she looks down.  At my chest.  And before I even knew what was happening... she sticks her finger between my boobs and loudly and gleefully exclaims, "Buttcrack!"  Her dad was standing right next to us and what happened next I barely remember.  I know I laughed, and I know that she got in trouble.  Her dad was mortified!  He quickly took her to a bedroom and got her in trouble then forced her to stay there in time out.  I suppose I should have been mortified as well, but I mostly felt bad that the little girl was getting in trouble.  Within the next few minutes, we were all seated around the table, minus the little girl who was screaming rather loudly from the back bedroom saying she was SORRY! AND COULD SHE PLEASE COME OUT NOW!!!  AND SHE WOULD NEVER SAY BUTTCRACK AGAIN!!!!!  

Yea.  That was awkward.  My husband loves this story and he loves to tease me any time I'm wearing a low-cut top.

Hope this could make you smile.