My last post left off when I got admitted into San Antonio Military Medical Center (SAMMC) around 2am on Sunday, June 10th. I was just ecstatic that I was dilated to a 4. The contractions weren’t all that fun, of course, but I WOULD BE HAVING A BABY VERY VERY SOON!!! Part of me wanted to cry (already!) because I was so happy; the other part of me wanted to cry because I knew this was only the beginning and I would be in so.much.pain. in the very near future. While I was still in the 1st room (the triage room before a more permanent room is assigned), an anesthesiologist came in to tell me all of my options.
From even before I was pregnant, I had always wanted to have a natural delivery. I don't know if it's that I wanted to be tough, or if it was the negative effects of certain medications that I learned about from documentaries like The Business of Being Born or Born in America, but either way- I felt I had a pretty high pain tolerance and I really was up for the challenge. Every time I've had to over come some sort of pain in life, I've always felt better and stronger for it. So was my goal for delivery.
So in walks the anesthesiologist, and I'm all I'll listen, but I won't be needing that. He had to give his shpiel anyway, and I was intrigued when he said that epidurals don't effect the baby. I'd always heard that they do-- that the baby can be groggy, and a few other things. I don't know if he meant HIS epidurals don't effect the baby, or if the type he uses doesn't... I'm just not sure why his information was contrasting to what I'd heard. Regardless, I wasn't interested. He told me that he'd be in a c-section for a while, should I change my mind, and yada yada yada... that's all good and thanks for telling me.
Around 3:30 or 4am, I get moved into my delivery room. The contractions were becoming much more intense. I really had to stop everything and breathe through them. Looking back, I know that a lot of things needed to be different in that room: 1) The lights needed to be lower, 2) The nurse needed to LET ME GET IN A ZONE. The nurse I had was a SPAZ. She sort of looked like a drug addict (way too thin, highlights grown out), and she was all over the place. She insisted that she had to keep the monitors on me to monitor the baby, even though my water hadn't broken and I've NEVER had any reason to need monitoring. Every time she put the monitor on my stomach, it slid to a spot that made me have a contraction. After a few times, I started to see the pattern of monitor=contraction. Since the contractions were so painful, I was really squirming from the pain each time she put it on. Then it would slide, I'd have a contraction, and the whole thing would start over again. We seriously did this for about 2 hours. There was no "zone" involved. All through this, she's practically screaming, "We HAVE to monitor THE BABY!" I'm all, "OK!!" and she puts it on me, it slides from all the gel again, I have a contraction and she freaks out again because OMG THE MONITOR ISN'T ON THE BABY--- WE HAVE TO MONITOR THE BABY!!! All through the classes I attended, particularly the Natural Childbirth class, I'd been told how you just have to find your ZONE. I couldn't find my zone. Not at all. As a result, I wasn't able to breathe through the pain like I'd been taught, or to imagine those warm sunny places, or picture myself as a strong African woman who can get through anything (for some reason, I think of Sojourner Truth), or to think of the contractions like going up a big hill, then back down. NO, I DIDN'T GET TO do any of that. All I got to do is be annoyed by the stupid nurse and just complain to Nic about how bad it hurt.
Nobody ever tells you what that pain is like. Everyone I knew that'd had a baby was all, ya- it hurts! But nobody tells you the details. Nobody told me that the contractions would take all that my body had; would make me weak in the knees and make me feel like throwing up. They didn't tell me that my body would become so tired from working that every muscle would twitch. I remember looking at Nic, my eyebrows were twitching and my eyes themselves twitching, my lips were trembling, and he said it: Are you having second thoughts about the epidural?... Of course, I'd thought about it! I was glad he said something, because if he hadn't, I would have before too long. He was so loving and told me to go ahead and do it, that he wouldn't think less of me at all. He continually reassured me that there was no way to predict this feeling, and he knew the epidural would help. So around 6:20 we told the spaz that we'd decided to get the epidural. At some point during all of that, my parents had texted Nic to see if they could come back. Seeing as I was in the worst pain of my life, I was in no mood for visitors. I told them, sorry, not right now.
And thus begins our new problem: remember that little bit of information :::...I'll be in a c-section for a while if you change your mind...::: ...I changed my mind. And he was in a c-section. It felt like ETERNITY before he finally got there, but in reality I think it was only 25 minutes. Keep in mind that my pain was to a point that I wanted it that instant, so 25 minutes later it had continued to grow. Someone came in to check dilation shortly before the anesthesiologist got there, and that person said I was dilated at a 7, almost an 8 (out of 10 in case you don't know much about birthing). The anesthesiologist finally came in around 6:45, and told me that I needed to be still while he injected the needle, which would be 10-15 minutes. When your body is spasming and you're in so much pain, it's hard to sit still. Nic stood in front of me, and bore what is now one of my favorite labor memories. I put my head on his shoulder and breathed in his neck; he took long deep breaths and told me to copy him, and I did. That was EXTREMELY helpful, and both of us asked why we didn't remember to breathe like that sooner. Oops. Oh well. [Upon reading this post, Nic says we couldn't remember the right way to breathe because the drug-addict/spaz was too distracting.] Within minutes of the epidural, I felt next to no pain at all. It was amazing. AND I could still move my legs, which I'd always heard I would be unable to do. I told Nic my parents could come back now. We sat and visited for a while, and when Matt & Abi arrived at the hospital, they joined us in the room too. It really was amazing how much better the epidural made me feel. It's important for me to say here, that I have a CRAZY WONDERFUL amount of respect for any woman that gives birth without an epidural. To know that you went through that pain and did so without any numbing is mind-blowing. You will forever be a strong and amazing person for that.
Waiting...
The spaz finally gave report to our new nurse around 7 am. Our new nurse's name was (get this)... AUDRA! And she was the most lovely nurse I could have ever hoped for. I wish she were my night nurse. She was pretty and funny and made me feel completely comfortable and not at all self-conscious. So Matt, Abi, my parents, and Nic and I just sat (well, I layed) visiting for a while. I drifted in and out of sleep since I was tired from Friday's events, and from being up all night Saturday into Sunday. Around 9:30, a doctor checks dilation and breaks my water. I don't remember how far dilation was at this point (to be honest, I was kind of out of it). She also says I should be able to start pushing around 10:30. EEEK! Pushing?!? That definitely made me nervous. But I was too sleepy to get all worked up at that very moment.
Everyone's talking, and I'm sleeping, and in walk all of these people and someone loudly says, "Are you ready to have a baby? It's time to push!" I look at the clock and it wasn't even 10:30 yet. I think it was around 10:25. All of my family except Nic leaves, and I start feeling very overwhelmed. They really startled me from my sleep, and I hadn't had time to process all that was going on in that moment. (Nic jokes that he forgot to tell them I need to look at Facebook on my phone for about 10 minutes, then they could have continued; this is my usual wake-up routine.) (...pre-baby wake up routine that is...) It just seemed that I was sleeping, then all of a sudden, Audra (my nurse) and other people are standing over me, explaining how to push. I'm too confused to even listen to their directions. I just start half-way crying, saying I don't know HOW to push! They all insisted they'd tell me what to do as it happened, but to get ready because when the next contraction came, I would be pushing.
By this point, the epidural had worn off enough for me to know when I was having a contraction. I could feel it building and they told me alright, take a deep breath and push! They held my legs and counted to 10 while I pushed, then once they got to 10, they quickly said "take another deep breath and PUSH!" so I did while they counted to 10 again. By the second 10, the contraction was over so I rested to gear up for the next push. I was so numb down there from the epidural, I had no idea what was going on. After about 3 contractions of pushing, I asked Nic "Is she out?!?" Nic laughed and said no, that he couldn't even see her yet. The doctor said she was making her way around the pelvic bone. I pushed a total of about 50 minutes. Our little Audra was born at 11:17am. I gave my last, hardest push then they pulled her out and immediately placed her on my chest and covered us with a blanket. Nic and I both cried tears of joy and I just kept looking at her in disbelief and feeling her warm slimy little body. I'd waited so long for that moment, and there it was. So THAT is what it's like to have a baby.
We cuddled for a bit, then it was cut abruptly short. The doctor informed me that I had a tear they needed to stitch up, and the lighting in the delivery room wasn't bright enough for them to see. The doctor explained that I didn't tear on the outside, like I was probably thinking, but instead my tear was vertical up the vaginal wall. That's why they needed better lighting. I had never in my life heard of a tear like that happening during birth, so I was kind of surprised. Thank God I'd gotten the epidural! I was completely oblivious to the tear. :) And I really wasn't all too worried about it; I had a new little baby to be excited about!
They whisked me off to the OR while Nic got to stay in the delivery room and give Audra her first bath. A nice nurse took some pictures of him. As I lay there on the operating table, tears came to my eyes. It was the first time I was able to take it all in. I'd just had our little baby. On Sunday. And Matt & Abi were still there; my dad was there; Nic was off work. It was the most perfect timing imaginable. I got weepy realizing it had to be God helping us in all of this. Any time I doubt or am scared, He's always come through and blessed me even more than I could have imagined. I prayed for a while on that operating room table, and eventually fell asleep. I just had to ask, out of curiosity, how big the tear was. The doctor informed me that it was about 5 inches straight up the vaginal wall. This tear has (obviously) caused me a lot of discomfort, and is something that is still sore to this day (almost 2 months later). It's nowhere near as painful as it was the 1st days after I delivered. If feeling 100% is the goal, I'd say I'm at about a 90. The worst part about it is how much it's prevented me from doing, namely CrossFit.
Baby's First Bath
So I got stitched up, and then joined my little family in the delivery room. The three of us cuddled as a family for a while, and I fed Audra for the first time. After a while, Mom, Dad, Matt & Abi came in and met Audra. It was a really exciting time for all of us. After a few hours, I moved to post-partum. And thus began life with a baby: never really sleeping, always looking at her, and learning what it feels like to be a mommy.
The happy family.
The first few days, I remember being EXTREMELY overwhelmed with love, and lots of worry for our little baby. I'm sure it was largely due to the hormones adjusting, but I would sometimes start crying, thinking about something bad ever happening to her. I would tell Nic, what if other kids are mean to her? What if someone tries to hurt her? What if she gets kidnapped? I just want her to be happy... I would worry that she'd stop breathing in the middle of the night and die from SIDS, or that she'd slip out of her swing somehow and it would keep swinging and attacking her and she'd die. She was (is) so small and helpless. I just felt an overwhelming desire to make all things GOOD for her. All of those 'what ifs' were really getting to me. He finally said something that really hit home for me: God was with her on the day she was born, and He'll be with her throughout her life. Knowing this has helped me when I start to think about all of those 'what ifs' again.
As I type this, she's sitting in my lap, babbling her cute little baby talk and her arm is somewhat flailing about since she still doesn't have gross motor control. She is the most beautiful, sweet baby that I've ever seen. Even when she wakes up at the crack of dawn, for a moment I think, UGH, awake already... but then I see her sweet face, and sometimes she even smiles, then my heart melts and I am JUST SO HAPPY to see and be with my sweet little baby again.
She is truly a blessing, and I thank God for her every day, multiple times a day. Now that we're in Virgina, we're really getting a chance to be together and get to know each other. She's one funny, gassy little gal! ;) We waited for her arrival for so.SO.long, and wondered what that day would be like. It's nice to know that it's over, and it worked out PERFECTLY and now we have a cute little wiggly baby to hold and love.
