How God's Worked In My Little Ol' Life

I've started the intro to this post a few times, and everything has just seemed awkward.   So please, just forgive the lack of transition from my last super-casual "Hey life is awesome!" post to this pretty serious one. 

Below is a letter I wrote to the women who are in charge of a Thursday morning bible study I attend.  The letter was sent to them at the end of the bible study semester to let them know what a difference the study made in my life.  The whole bible study setup is somewhat of a production, taking place every Thursday, hosting a couple hundred women, and includes an hour of breakfast (usually accompanied by a guest speaker) and then an hour and a half of small-group study/discussion time.  The ladies who run it put in an incredible amount of time and energy to keep it running, so they always desire personal testimonies at the end of each semester, to validate that their efforts were worth it.  I edited it just a bit for you, blog readers, so it would make more sense. 

This is an extremely personal thing to share, and even now- as I'm about to post it- I kind of feel like I'm about to air some dirty laundry and I'm a little nervous.  Those who received this letter asked if they could read it aloud to the other women during breakfast.  Although they didn't say who wrote it, those who knew me (& those I told) knew that I had written it, and many of them said they really needed and appreciated hearing such an honest testimony of the way God can work in a stay-at-home-mom's life.  One lady even wanted a copy of it to keep (say whaaaaat?).  Crazy, but ok.

So this is for you, stay-at-home-mom friends.  And for anybody else who can relate.
(Be warned:  long letter ahead.)

***

I'm fairly new to this stay-at-home-mom thing,  having only done it for a little over 2 years now.  Starting when my daughter was almost a year, every few months I'd find myself crying to my husband about...??... sometimes I didn't even know what it was about.  All that I really knew was that there was a feeling inside that I just couldn't shake. It felt like discontent-- but I knew to my core that I didn't want to be doing something other than staying at home with our kids.  It felt like jealousy-- over my husband's day full of adult-interaction, and ability to eat meals without holding a baby.  And I felt unappreciated for all that I did throughout the day, despite my husbands efforts.  And I felt a number of other things that I just couldn't place.
   

I would come to my husband crying and "emotionally vomit" on him (as he has called it), and bless him, he tried to help me find solutions.  Each time I came to him, he promised to tell me he appreciated me more; he'd try to take the kids more when he was home so I could go out with friends for "me" time; he'd do more around the house.
   

I know he did his best... but he's only human.  ...and he always fell short of what I needed.  He did as he said he would, but there I was again -a few months later- same tune, different song.  As you could imagine, all of these things started to take a toll on our marriage.  (Combine that with another baby, me getting sick, then a cross-country move, and things weren't so great.)  We argued more than ever before-- each of us feeling like what we did should be "enough."  We both seemed unfulfilled.  Here we were, in this beautiful house, two great kids, wonderful extended families, decent income, no "real" issues... but there we were:  arguing, me always crying and throwing a pity party that left me feeling selfish.  After my pity parties, I always vowed to look at the bright side: to see what I DO have, rather than what I don't.  Yet, a month or two later, there I was again.  Same conversation, different day, ending with the same frustrated husband, me with the same selfish feelings.  It was getting exhausting for all of us.  There had to be a solution.
    

This bible study has been a new experience for me.  It's been a welcome break from my kids, and a wonderful time to sit and hold the adult conversation I so craved.  (& eat a hot breakfast in peace!) Even though I joined after most studies were full, the one I happened to join was written by a woman in my exact stage of life.  Having a 2 yr old and a baby, let me tell you... she got it.  She knew what I was feeling.  And her advice was just what I needed to hear on more than one occasion.  During my last pity party, I started thinking about my study and wondering if there was more to this feeling, wondering if maybe it had something to do with my relationship with God.  But I just couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was that I needed to change.  I've been a Christian for many years now; I'm an avid pray-er, and do my best to teach and show my kiddos Godly things.  So what was I doing wrong?
     

One bible study morning, the speaker during the breakfast was a wonderful, pleasant older woman.  She spoke about days when she was younger, when she stayed at home with her small children.  She spoke of feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things to do during that stage and how her marriage was being affected.  She talked about listening to a Christian radio station as she did her chores, and how she started doing her housework to serve the Lord.
   

It sounds so cliche.
    

"Do it for the Lord."  I'd heard it time and time again, but I can't say I really understood what it meant. (Maybe I was having a blonde moment lifetime.)  Coincidentally (or not?), that very same Thursday, our small group study addressed the same sort of things.  [I believe God was determined to help me understand what this meant.]  Through our small group discussion, the light bulb came on.   When I care for the kids cheerfully, wipe noses and butts with a servant's heart, cook dinner and clean high chairs gladly, I'm witnessing to my kids.  When I clean the house, do my family's laundry, have things ready to go for my husband cheerfully, with a servant's heart, I'm witnessing to my husband, too.
   

Here's the part that got me:  I'm the only mama these kids have.  I'm the only wife my husband has.  I am one of the-- if not THE-- greatest influence(s) on their lives.  Wouldn't it make such a huge difference to them if THEY were my #1 witness priority?  [And in turn, how would pouring all of my heart into them affect those feelings I'd been having??]  If instead of feeling the need to give to the homeless, wanting to work at soup kitchens and love on the community [all ministry areas that have my heart]... what if I first focused on pouring my Christian attitude and love into my own family?  ...How had I not been understanding this?!?... Because it boiled down to this:  my husband is just one man.  He's a wonderful hands-on dad; incredibly loving and extremely helpful to me around the house and with the kids ...but he's human.  So all of those things I was wanting him to provide for me (some of which I struggled to put words on)?  He couldn't.
   

The fact of the matter was, I needed to change who I was working for.  I needed to change who I was looking to, to fill my "void" (for lack of better word).  Instead of crying to my husband about the things I wanted to be different, I could have been praying to God to help me see things differently.  I shouldn't be just doing the dishes for my family... I should be doing them for God, thinking of it as a ministry, knowing my husband and children will see me doing the dishes gladly, with a servant's heart!  The irony is that every night, when I pray with my kids, I always include in their prayers, "Please help me show love to everyone, especially my friends and family, so they can see you."  but I hadn't been doing that for them.
   

The day that light bulb came on, I left feeling genuinely excited to put my new mindset into practice.  Excited to finally understand why there had been any problem to begin with, and almost a willingness for the devil to try to shake me of my contentedness. Thank you for the opportunity to be part of a study that has so impacted my life.
   

***

Since that realization, I can honestly say that things have been a LOT better.  It's admittedly hard to have a new mindset just like *that* when I'd been thinking one way for so long.  I'm slightly embarrassed to admit just how selfish I had been in the past, but the important thing is to recognize it and move past it.  :)  And please don't think we were *ever* on the verge of the BIG-D, because that was never, ever up for discussion.  We were in a bad place, but now we're in a much, much better place, but never once did either of us think of leaving (& isn't that how marriage works is supposed to work?).

  

I'm incredibly thankful to have a husband who puts up with me, even through that kind of crap, and who loves me and builds me and encourages me all the same.  I can tell you, though, he was very relieved when that "light bulb" finally came on for me.  :D
  
There have been times during this stage of life, when I've wondered, 'What ministry should I be serving in?  How can I make a better contribution to His goals?'  After that bible study, it dawned on me:  THIS.  Living each day as a mommy, as a wife.  THIS is my ministry; He put me right in the middle of it!  It's nice when the lights come on.  :)