Merry Christmas 2012

Christmas Letter 2012:

December 2012

Friends and family,

I (Nic) hope this letter finds you well and enjoying all of the joy and happiness that the Christmas season has to offer. Thanks to my lovely wife, our house has been full of the sights, sounds, and smells of Christmas, and it is a thing of beauty. As I sit to write this letter, my heart could truly not be happier. There have been many changes for our family in 2012, and I mean big changes. But from these changes have also come many blessings.

The first big change we had was my leaving for Commissioned Officer Training (COT) to become an officer in the Air Force Nurse Corp. The hardest part was knowing that I would miss the entire third trimester of Stef’s pregnancy. We would be apart from February 28 to June 15. The first five of those weeks I would be at COT at Maxwell AFB in Montgomery, Alabama. I would then be in San Antonio for ten weeks for my orientation to Air Force nursing, the Nurse Transition Program. We knew life in the military would be hard, but it was also an amazing opportunity for our family, and the fulfillment of a long-time dream for me.

All along our time apart, we were operating under the assumption that I would come back to Lubbock from San Antonio for Audra’s birth (due June 4). We loved our obstetrician, the hospital, and the fact that we had lots of family and friends close by. However, through some unforeseen circumstances, we made the decision that Stef would come down to San Antonio to deliver our baby girl (you can read all of the details on Stef’s blog, www.stefaniewilliams-foreverinspired.blogspot.com). All that really matters is that our little angel, Audra Kayte, made her debut on June 10, 2012. She was beautiful, healthy, and perfect. Our lives were forever changed…and so were our sleep patterns.

I finished the Nurse Transition Program a few days after Audra was born, and we headed back to Lubbock to see family, pack up our life, and move to Virginia where I am stationed at         AFB. It was a little nerve-racking thinking about driving half-way across the country with a not-quite-3-week-old baby, but it worked out quite well: she slept for the majority of the trip. 27 hours of driving time later, we rolled into        , VA to start our new life as an Air Force family.

Stef and I have both enjoyed taking on the role of parenting. There is nothing that can prepare you for the realization that you will be responsible for the life and well-being of a tiny human, and there are no words to describe the immensity of love that begins to grow in your heart for this little person that you’ve only just met. We talk about what her personality will be like, what her interests will be, and what kind of questions she will ask us. We pray for patience and understanding, because Lord knows we will need it. We are so thankful for our little stinker, and so proud to be her parents!

Another big change for us here in Virginia is that Stef is staying at home with Audra. She traded in grading papers of smarty-pants teenagers for changing poopy diapers and reading Dr. Seuss. We are blessed to be able to afford to have one of us stay home, and Stef is rocking in her new role! She has made some friends that also stay at home with little ones, and sends me pictures and texts while I’m at work of all of the fun and exciting adventures that she and Audra have.

As we close out 2012, we have many things to be thankful for, as well as many things to look forward to in 2013. We have found a church that we really enjoy, got plugged in to a small group, and are learning to navigate all of the winding, confusing roads out here on the east coast. I am enjoying my job, and Stef and Audra are having a blast as Audra discovers new and exciting things each and every day. We are so thankful for all of you, and wish you and yours a very merry and blessed Christmas!

Love,

Nic, Stefanie, and Audra

***We're off to Missouri in just a few days.  I hope you all have an amazing Christmas and a safe transition to the new year!***

In The Still Of The Night

Amazing how much one can learn in a week.  I told you last post that I'd give my thoughts on the Dr.'s advice, and here they are.  At Audra's 6 month well-baby checkup, the conversation came up when he asked about her sleep.  I told him she wasn't sleeping through the night anymore, although she used to.  After telling him our normal middle-of-the-night-routine (feed her until she's asleep, or feed then rock back to sleep, then put her in bed), he told us this:  he said since she used to sleep through the night, it's clear that her nutritional needs were being met throughout the day.  That being said, he suggested not feeding her when she wakes in the night.  He said even rocking her every time will make her less likely to fall asleep on her own (long term), and that she needs to get used to waking up and falling back asleep in her crib without getting out.  He suggested rubbing her back, patting her, etc. but trying not to get her out.  So that night, I tried it.

And it went HORRIBLY.  Tears... oh, the tears.  Once she really started crying, I picked her up and rocked her, though I had no intentions of feeding her (since he said she shouldn't need it).  As I stated last post, her crying went on for what seemed like FOREVER until I finally fed her.  And then I had some choices to make.  I found myself thinking that there had to be some middle ground.  Somewhere in between feeding & rocking her to sleep, and not feeding or picking up my baby at all. 

So the next day, I bought The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.  Many, many people had recommended this book so I decided to give it a try.  Last night I finally got a chance to do some reading.  As I kept reading, the question marks slowly started to fade as things became more and more clear.  I felt like I had answers.  I felt like this author had been sitting in Audra's room in the still of the night observing our every movement; she was so spot on.  At one point, she outlined our exact middle-of-the-night-routine, forgetting nothing and adding nothing extra (I was going to quote it, but it's copyrighted).  ;)  Then she talked about the Phases of easing a baby into independent sleep.  Phase One basically being what we're doing now, and Phase Six (the last phase) resulting in comforting from the doorway.  She describes each phase in detail, and... whattaya know, I found the phase that I had tried when trying to implement the Dr.'s advice.  That tearful night, she woke up and I tried patting her back and soothing her from outside the bed... but that's Phase Four!  I had skipped a lot of steps, and (as Pantley confirms) trying to rush the process and jolt the baby out of their normal/comforting midnight routine will only result in stress and tears.  So... lesson learned.

So thank you to any of you who recommended this book.  I can tell that it's going to be a life sleep saver.  It'll take a while before we're the "comfort from the doorway" parents, but I'm confident that we'll get there.  So I'll keep feeding her, as Phase One allows, and we'll slowly make our way to where the Dr. wants us to be.  I have to give him a bit of credit; at the end of all 6 phases, Audra will be where he recommended- so his advice isn't totally off.  It would have been helpful, though, if he told us how to ease her to that point rather than making us believe that we should just do it cold turkey.  The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.  Loving it.

On a sidenote:  my milk production had been down (which should have told me that of course she was hungry in the night), and I fixed it!  More Milk Plus by Motherlove.  Tastes awful, but increased my production to nearly double in just 12 hours.  If you're a breastfeeding mama, perhaps it can be of some help to you.  :)

I'm loving finding solutions to some of my frustrations.  I've got to admit, I've felt defeated in a lot of different things lately (breastfeeding, sleep, all resulting in tiredness throughout the day resulting in low productivity at home; I think you get the picture).  I think things are going to get better, really really soon.

The World She Knows

Last night was a rough one.  In trying to take the advice of our pediatrician, I ended up with a screaming baby for over two hours from about 1:30-3:30 am.  I had been advised not to feed her (my thoughts on that another day), but instead to just put her back in bed while drowsy, but not asleep.  I was trying.  Lordy, was I trying.  I rocked her until she was almost asleep, then put her in her bed ever-so-carefully.  She woke right up.  I tried again.  And again, she woke up.  I tried again, deciding to just let her REALLY fall asleep in my arms before putting her down.  Again she woke up.  I tried and I tried and I tried, but she just.wasn't.having it!  She showed this through not a little whine, but a shrill shrieking, 'WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME DOWN AGAIN?!?' noise.  I was frustrated, to say the least.  I was firm with my baby, "Audra, go.to.SLEEP!"  I felt like crying, I was so tired, and my stomach was tight with fear that she would NEVER go back to sleep (ridiculous, I know).  I felt like cursing, I felt like yelling, so I stepped out and called my husband who is a nurse and was working the night shift.  I explained that I was about to lose it and I just needed a minute, so he let me vent-- the whole time, Audra screaming that high-pitched, ear-piercing shrill scream through the monitor letting me know that she was impatiently waiting. In the end, I caved.  I fed her, and she fell right asleep.  And within seconds, so did I.

This morning, I woke up feeling guilty.  My baby needed comforting in her favorite way, and I was telling her no.  Me holding her and rocking her and using the pacifier just wasn't the same to her.  She wanted the intimacy of me feeding her, and the familiarity of falling asleep in that routine.  My heart was aching for the way I acted toward her in her moments of desperation.  I'm supposed to try to understand her!  In the moment, I thought she was being stubborn and just trying to get her way.  But as a friend reminded me, manipulation is a complex thought process.  Babies don't know how to manipulate!  I felt like crying today, knowing she wanted me so badly for HOURS and I was telling her no.  Not a great start to the day.

Then.  Oh, THEN I saw the news.  My already heavy heart cried tears of sadness for those Connecticut families who lost their children in the school shooting.  As an educator, I also felt for those teachers and other school personnel.  I can tell you first hand that my biggest fear when teaching was that a student would be harmed in my care, when I had the power to stop it.  I think about those little 5 year olds.  I think about story time and building and counting and trying really REALLY hard to stay quiet in the hallways and how much help they need in the cafeteria.  5 years old.  A world of play.  A world of imagination.  A world of innocence.  ...instantly yanked into reality within seconds, in the one place their parents thought was safe.  I cried. 

I looked at my baby, and remembered how frustrated I was at 3 am when she wouldn't quit crying, and I cried harder.  My baby is ALIVE.  I have my baby to hold, in both good times and bad, but the  parents of those victims don't have that anymore.  I think about the world in which Audra lives, and how trusting she is in it.  As I've said before, she's a very PEOPLE person.  She loves to smile and be held by everyone, even strangers.  She doesn't know anything about guns, or dying, or having to be afraid or weary of others who may hurt her.  What if it were MY baby to be the inviting, friendly, happy-go-lucky child one minute then be struck by tragedy the next... it breaks my heart.  And it makes me really REALLY angry.

I'm angry that I can't trust the world to preserve the innocence of my child.  I'm angry that this incident will force my husband and I to revisit the topic of homeschooling.  I'm angry that things like this will result in a world full of locks, scanners, and conversations with far-too-young children about violence and dying.  I know that life isn't fair, but dangit can't we let our babies keep that innocence of being babies for just a little bit longer?

So today, I hold my baby extra close and tonight, I'll keep her in my arms an extra long time.  And if she keeps me awake again, I won't mind one bit!  I've still got my baby to hold and smell and love, and I will remind myself that every second with her is a gift.

So This Is Love

A lullaby I love to sing:

A facial expression I love:

Sounds I love:

How I love to document memories:

So THIS is love.

Not-So-Silent Night

Well, we knew this day would come and here it is.  Nic's first night shift at Langley.  He worked a few in Lubbock right out of nursing school, which meant that I would jet out of school as fast as the kids in order to have dinner with him before he went in.  It was an adjustment.  At the same time, I was pregnant and working with some very dramatic 14-year-olds, so I was more than ready to go to bed with or without him.  That time around, I only woke up to pee.  This time around, things are a bit different.

Audra's sleep during the night hasn't been very consistent.  There is usually one night a week when she won't wake up at all and I'm singing my praises the following morning.  Then it seems the very next night she may wake up 2 or (Lord help me) 3 times.  I haven't exactly pin-pointed the source of her waking.  Is she hungry? (I feed her each waking.)  Is she just wanting company?  Is she in pain from teething?  I wish she would be more consistent so I could figure it out.  Sometimes when she wakes, she talks and coos like the sweet, happy girl she can be.  Other times, it's an abrupt cry that doesn't end until I get to her side, or until she starts eating (those times make me think teething).  Waking up multiple times to feed a baby and put her back to sleep is exhausting.  If I do it all under an hour, I consider myself lucky.  But about 25% of the time, she'll fall asleep eating and I'll ever.so.slowly. and gently set her down in bed and her eyes will spring open.  Then she'll start crying and I'll have to pick her back up to rock her to sleep all over again.  Sometimes even the second time, she'll wake up.  Nights like that, Nic usually ends up giving it a go because I'll have been awake going on 2 hours at that point.  He's saved my sleep many MANY times.  I'm a little nervous to not have his help.  SINGLE PARENTS, HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU DO IT?!? Nights when I've gotten up 2 or more times with her, he'll usually get up with her in the morning and let me sleep in to make up for lost time. 

Now he's working nights.  Which means he won't be there on those random nights she refuses to go back down.  And he'll be ready for bed at 7 am, which means I'll definitely be waking up with her.  He assured me he'll find a way to help me catch up on sleep, but it would take some time and him getting used to his new schedule.  And I believe him.

I know a lot of you reading this also have new babies, or had a baby once upon a time.  Do your babies wake up all the time too?  What do you do to help with your exhaustion?  I know a few of you are going to tell me to bed share with Audra.  ;-)  But Nic and I decided a long time ago that isn't something we want to do.  We just need our own "us" space.  I'm fine with holding my baby until she falls asleep, and when she's out of the crib, I'll lay down next to her in her room when needed.  But we don't want her falling asleep in our bed at night.  So getting up with her is a must.  Do your babies ever wake up once they hit the bed?  Do you have any tricks to make that exchange easier?  Currently, we do a lot of light shaking/vibrating/patting, and rocking while in the chair.  When she's good & asleep, we get up & continue to vibrate her while we walk to her bed and while we lay her down.  Even when she's down, sometimes we'll lightly shake her little body or vibrate the mattress to ease the transition.  Usually all that does the trick.  But like I said, there are those few times when she wakes right up as soon as her body hits the bed and we start all over again.

So nights are not typically silent for this family.  It's a good thing I really love her.  I can't breathe her or smell her or kiss her enough, and I admit that feeding her in the still of the night will forever be one of my favorite memories.  I just don't want to do it every day.  ;-)

As always, I hope you're happy, healthy, & well!
Love you all!

The Most Awkward Thanksgiving Moment

Just thought you might like a little something to brighten your day.

The following story happened well before I had met Nic, and I was dating another guy.  I hadn't met said guy's extended family, so Thanksgiving was a first (and last I might add) in meeting a lot of them.  I was wearing a v-neck sweater that I felt was appropriate at the time.  Looking back, I can see I probably should have worn something different (but then again, I look back at a lot of things I've done and wonder why?!?).  He had a young cousin who was 3 or 4 years old (I think).  She was darling.  She wanted me to hold her, so I obliged.  I nervously stood there amongst his family, holding the darling little girl and then she looks down.  At my chest.  And before I even knew what was happening... she sticks her finger between my boobs and loudly and gleefully exclaims, "Buttcrack!"  Her dad was standing right next to us and what happened next I barely remember.  I know I laughed, and I know that she got in trouble.  Her dad was mortified!  He quickly took her to a bedroom and got her in trouble then forced her to stay there in time out.  I suppose I should have been mortified as well, but I mostly felt bad that the little girl was getting in trouble.  Within the next few minutes, we were all seated around the table, minus the little girl who was screaming rather loudly from the back bedroom saying she was SORRY! AND COULD SHE PLEASE COME OUT NOW!!!  AND SHE WOULD NEVER SAY BUTTCRACK AGAIN!!!!!  

Yea.  That was awkward.  My husband loves this story and he loves to tease me any time I'm wearing a low-cut top.

Hope this could make you smile. 

Audra 5 months

Weight: 12 lbs, 13 oz. 
Yep, she's our little pip squeak!  She's definitely on the small end, but have you seen her parents?  Or grandparents for that matter?  There's not much hope for her in this department.  She may be small, but she's incredibly strong!  And that's all that really matters in this department.  :)

Length: 24.5 in.
Again, on the smaller side.

Muscular Development:
Hands:  She's grabbing everything all the time!  If I'm not careful, she'll surprise me and grab things I don't want her to have (like my water glass that I'm holding in one hand or the tiny bowl that contains her rice cereal).
Arms:  They don't flail as much as they used to.  We're leaving one arm out of the swaddle for now, and it's working well.  We hope to have both arms free around 6 months.  She's gotten used to really extending those arms to get things that are seemingly out of reach.  

Feet:  She's definitely discovered them, and she holds them quite often.  She hasn't started eating them yet.
Legs:  These suckers are STRONG!  She loves to stand, and can do so by only holding onto our hands.  The balance is wobbly, but improving every day.  She can stand next to her crib and support herself with the crib bars.  She hasn't gotten brave enough to stand at arms length (i.e. she pretty much "hugs" the crib), but it's awesome that she can support herself.
Body:  She can fully roll belly to back, and also back to belly.  She can sit unsupported for long periods of time.  When laying on her belly, she's starting to push herself forward with her legs to get things in front of her.  I anticipate having a mobile baby very very soon!

Sleep:
Here's the tricky subject! Sleep had been pretty horrible for about the last month or so.  She went from sleeping completely through the night to waking once in the night, to waking twice, then waking three times.  And she was waking three times pretty consistently for a while.  We attributed it to pain from teething (more about that in a minute).  We talked with a nurse and were OKed to give her a higher dose of the Baby Tylenol.  We've only given her the higher dose twice now.  The first night she only woke up once, around 3.  The second night (last night), she only woke up once at 5:45.  I'll take waking up once over waking up 3 times ANY NIGHT!  Knock on wood that the good sleep continues.

Teething:
I can't feel any bumps in her gums, but I can see the outline of the little teeth in the sides of her gums.  She's drooling like crazy, and often whines when nursing.  She goes to town on her Sophie giraffe and other teethers.  We try to ease the pain as much as possible by giving her cool washcloths, numbing strips (only occasionally b/c I'm not convinced they work), and when really bad or before bed (when it seems to flair up), we give the Tylenol.  Nic's mom ordered a teething necklace for her, and it should arrive before too long.  This is a necklace that will get warmed by being against Audra's neck, and supposedly releases a chemical that is an anti-inflammatory.  I've read many accounts that say this necklace works, and I'm willing to try almost anything to ease my stinker's pain.  I hope it helps!  Once she's 6 months, we'll give her Baby Ibuprofen, since it reduces inflammation as well.

 Personality:
As long as she's getting to interact with someone, or less often- something, she's a happy girl!  She definitely prefers people interaction over her toys.  She loves to be held, even by strangers, and is very smiley.  She's least happy when she's awake and people are around but not paying attention to her (as in a CrossFit scenario).  Every now and then she'll be a simple observer, just still and watching, but most often she prefers to be interacting.  She loves when we blow on her belly or make growl noises in her neck.  She likes it when I kiss her feet and tickle her back.  She has started to laugh and it is the most wonderful sound I've ever heard.
She's not generally hard to please.  I've found if I just stay in the moment with her, interact with her and watch her cues, we can go a whole day without crying.  Sometimes I get sidetracked doing other things, though, and it's those moments she starts to whine and cry as if to say, "Pay attention to me!"  She sure does know how to get her way already.  ;-)

I can always try for that one last picture, but when she says it's nap time, IT'S NAP TIME!  ;-)

Appetite:

She nurses 6-8 times a day for 20-30 min.   We were having issues for a while due to her preferring the bottle, but I was patient and within a week things were back to normal.  :)  The only thing that hinders her eating now is her sore gums.  I think sometimes it hurts her to get started on the boob, but once she gets going she seems to be ok.  She bits sometimes, but I know it's only because it feels good on her gums.  I yell, "No biting!" and she instantly lets go.  I know she's not trying to hurt me.  I feel bad for my baby being in pain. 

This was actually the very first shot of this little photo session.  Of course, she spits up on the backdrop and her outfit!  

In all, I'd say things couldn't be better!  She's well out of her '4th Trimester' (if you aren't familiar with this concept from Happiest Baby on the Block, I suggest you look into it!  If you have or are going to have a baby, that is).  She's "generally accepted life" and I think she likes it!

We love her, and thank God every day for this little blessing He's given us.  Sure, days are more exhausting and nights more tiresome, but I can't imagine not having her to love.

Stronger Than Yesterday

I'm not sure if you heard, but there was this storm, er... small HURRICANE... named Sandy... that recently came our way.  We stocked up on all the essentials and did all the things we were told to do that I knew nothing about before we moved here.  (Did you know to fill up your bathtub so your toilet will flush?  Or to buy ice ahead of time because it sells out due to refrigerators being out with power?) The bummer part of it all was that we knew Nic would be working the day the storm was scheduled to hit (Monday).  Saturday night, he got a call from his Major telling him to come in at 0600 Sunday to wait out the storm.  They wanted to make sure all hospital employees would be able to report to duty, so they called them all in early.  Which left me and the stinker home alone.  :-(  I knew we had everything we needed, but just the thought of the storm raging outside made me nervous.  Things really couldn't have gone better, though.  I stayed strong pretty much all day, and well into the evening, but after putting Audra to bed my thoughts began to wander.  Sunday night, I went to bed knowing this huge red storm cell was immediately Southeast of us, and was scheduled to go right over us before normal waking hours.  My stomach was tight with worry, but I forced myself to sleep.  Audra woke up around 2am to eat, and during those dark, quiet hours, I began to run all these scenarios through my head that Nic and I hadn't discussed. What if they come to our door and tell me I have to evacuate and they won't let me wait for Nic to get back from the hospital?  What if we have to evacuate, and Nic's on his way home but finds that an essential street is flooded?  What if the cell towers are down and one of these things happens and we can't get ahold of each other?  (That was my biggest worry.)  The last thing I ever wanted was to be separated from Nic in this middle of this crazy hurricane tropical storm and not know how to find him.  I called him around 3am, and just hearing his voice put my fears at ease.  He assured me that they wouldn't make me leave the house immediately if we should evacuate.  He would find me.  He mostly told me to stop worrying and reminded me that we faced wind storms in Lubbock with much higher winds than this hurricane tropical storm was producing.  Sigh.  I wish I didn't have to think of every.single.little.thing that could go wrong.  This is one time when it doesn't pay to be detail oriented.  :-(  Of course, it all ended up going off without a hitch in our area.  We didn't even lose power.  The eye of the storm just missed us; went directly north of us, so we just got the outer edges.  Thank you, God!  They even let Nic come home a day early (Monday night instead of Tuesday night).  It was nice to see him again.  :)

Unrelated to the storm, I've been really trying to hit the CrossFit hard lately.  Nic reminds me quite often that we're paying for me and that we should just cancel my membership if I'm not going to make it a point to go.  I seem to always find fifty million other things I need want to do when it comes time to work out.  (The dishes! My nails! Finally time to just relax ALONE!)  But these last few times, I begrudgingly drug my feet to get there, and have always been happy upon leaving.  It's such a triumphant feeling walking out of a place with an endorphin high that you almost decided not to have.  Not to mention that it really helps when more and more clothes start to fit like they used to.  I've noticed a difference in my workouts as well.  I'm getting stronger each time and don't quite feel like I'm going to die in the run during the warm-up like I used to.  :)

Remember my last post in which I told you I had the stomach flu a few weeks back?  Well, I had no idea how much the stomach flu could affect breast feeding.  It makes sense; I lost nearly all the liquid in my body, and there was next to nothing for them to use to produce.  Audra was fed many times that day with a bottle, despite my best efforts and desires to feed her myself.  (It's hard to feed a baby when they feel like they weigh a ton!)  Ever since then, Audra's shown definite preference for the bottle, and has gotten extremely lazy on the boob.  She's supposed to be what helps me produce, and that's not working out so well when she just expects my boob to hand it to her (despite us using the slowest flowing bottle nipple we could find).  So lately, we've had many feeding sessions with her whining the whole time, and me just saying, "It's there, girl, just eat!"  So we're on a strict No Bottle policy for the next week or so and I'm doing all the tricks I can think of. (Fenugreek, oatmeal, pumping after nursing, letting her stay on & suckle if she falls asleep.)  I'd appreciate your prayers, though.  This is definitely stressing me out (& I know stress doesn't help) and testing my faith in my ability to do this.  I KNOW I'm not going to give up.  She would have to be literally losing weight and crying out of hunger for me to quit breastfeeding or supplement with formula. It's just hard to be patient.  I've done some research, and I'm doing all of the things they say to do.  They say just be patient.  I'm hoping eventually she'll realize she's not going to get a bottle again and she'll start eating like her old self when she really wants it bad enough.

So it's definitely a time of new-found strength, in many ways.
As usual, I hope this finds you happy, healthy, & well.  I so appreciate you reading.  :-)

Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful Boy

A little over a week ago, Nic and I celebrated 3 years of being married.  One of his sweet coworkers came over last minute so we were able to have a date night.  We went to a super cool modern restaurant, sat a little too close to one another, and reminisced about the past year and made goals for the next.  One of the things we talked about were our top 5 SPECIFIC memories of the last year.  (It's too easy to 'generalize' memories and feelings, so we made them specific.) Here are mine, in no particular order:
1.  The look on his face/reaction in general when I was finally in his arms in San Antonio in May. (This was following a lot of tears and fears that he wouldn't be present for Audra's birth, as chronicled in this post.)
2.  The day he and I relaxed in the pool before Audra was born.  Seems stupid that this is in my top 5, but it was pure bliss at that moment.  School was still in session, but I wasn't teaching-- I was with him, in San Antonio, the only ones in the pool, floating on our rafts, feeling the warm breeze, waiting for our sweet baby girl's arrival.  It was heavenly.
3.  Our first moment as a family of 3.  No more explanation needed.
4.  When I was leaning my head on his shoulder during labor so I could hear and mirror his breathing.  It was just so close and intimate.
5.  Lazy mornings with the 3 of us in bed, cuddling.

Have I ever told you about how great he is?  Because he really is.  He's great enough that I really could say something wonderful about him every single time I post, but I seem to get sidetracked.  Just this morning, Audra woke up right around the time of his alarm, so he offered to take her.  I hadn't been getting much sleep the last few nights, so I was happy to let him do it!  He fed her and put her back to sleep.  Then he came downstairs and put the diapers in the dryer, washed the dishes and ran the dish washer-- all before he went to work!  See, isn't he great?  That's just the every day kind of stuff he does.

It's not just the every day kind of stuff he's good at.  He really pulls through when I need him most.  Like last Sunday.  Sunday I had the STOMACH FLU.  Guys, it was AWFUL!  It started out with just a normal stomach ache, but by the 4th trip to the bathroom within half an hour and no relief in sight, I started thinking it may be something more.  I was running to the bathroom about every 10 minutes for HOURS, and later in the day it was coming out both ends.  (Probably TMI, I'm sorry!)  It was intense, let me tell ya.  I actually thought, in the worst moments, I am so miserable.  It really took it out of me, and I was just physically drained with zero energy.  I really wanted to sleep, but of course, running to the bathroom doesn't allow for sleep.  Luckily, by that evening things had gotten a teeny bit better, and continued to get progressively better with time.  By the next day I was completely good around 3:00 or so.  Having the stomach flu and a 4 month old don't mix so well.  Nic took her all day long.  He went to the grocery store, went and worked out, brought me Gatorade and chicken noodle soup, made any bottles when I wasn't up to feeding her (though I tried to feed her as often as I felt I could) (don't worry, breast milk has AMAZING immunity properties!), put Audra to bed, changed the sheets before he went to bed WHILE I LAID IN THE BED, and was just an all-around rock star that day.  I'm one lucky girl. 

It's hard to believe that within 3 years, we've lived in 3 different states, I've held three different jobs, he's gotten ANOTHER degree (nursing makes 3 for him!), joined the Air Force, and we've had the most beautiful baby I've ever laid eyes on.  And in between there, we've taken many Christmas and Thanksgiving trips and all of our siblings got married!

I don't want to be all life is perfect, we walk on clouds all the time sounding.  Because it's not ALL THE TIME that things are this perfect.  We're what I like to call normal.  As in, we have our share of squabbles and we get annoyed at stupid things and then stubbornly fight (which is fun, since we're both first borns).  And then we get over it.  That's the main thing:  we get over it.  Until I was with him, I'd never been with a guy that was so good at saying sorry and at showing me how much he loves me.  Almost makes me feel guilty when I'd been so stubborn.  ;-)  Arguing every now and then is natural, and it never lasts too long.  Times like those help me know that we're there for each other, thick and thin.  I know he must really love me if he'll put up with me at my worst.  :)

He and I often say that we wish everyone in the world knew what it was like to be this loved.  We know couples that have gotten married for the seemingly wrong reasons, or friends who have told us about their relationships with their spouses and seem to be surprised at the level of sharing and intimacy Nic and I have.  And it makes us sad to think that not all marriages have couples who feel this way toward one another.  He's my best friend.  He's honestly the only person in the world who I feel truly and wholly understands me, and I like it that way.  :)

So, 3 years.  3 WONDERFUL, AMAZING years of being married to this beautiful MAN.  I can't wait to see what the next 3 hold.

Sorry this one was taken with the iPhone, but it's still one of my faves!

Lately

Exciting things happening right now:

Audra's room is almost complete!
Nic is on paternity leave for over two weeks! 
Mom and Dad fly in late tomorrow night!  Can't wait to see them!!
I'm back in non-elastic pants!  Score!

Audra can sit up on her own for short periods.  It's SO cute!  I love her look of pride when she discovers she can do something new.  :)

We're enjoying life right now; trying to get things done, but mostly just hanging out, loving each other and loving Audra.  I've been trying hard to show more love to strangers, too.

Have you heard this song?  Can't get it out of my head!

God is good!!!

A Sewing Machine Scandal

One of the things I couldn't wait to do while I was pregnant was get Audra's nursery set up.  I had that major nesting bug, and nearly went crazy not being able to fulfill those desires.  Due to the fact that we'd be moving across the country while she was less than a month old, all I was really able to do was order what I wanted and then leave it in the boxes for moving.  Now that we're finally somewhat settled, I've got her room looking a bit like what I pictured in my head.  There are still a few projects to do, though.  (It would have been SO nice to be able to do these projects while she was still in my belly.  Doing projects while looking after an infant isn't so easy!)

The projects I still have planned:
-make some wall art that matches her bedding/bright color theme
-sew blackout fabric on the back of her curtains (which wouldn't be necessary if the blackout curtains that are hanging were actually blacking out her room)
-sew a crib skirt
-hang paper lanterns in the corner
-update the mobile to make it more colorful

Notice two of those projects involve sewing.  When I first planned these projects, did I even own a sewing machine?  No.  Did I even know how to sew?  No.  But I figured there's no time better than the present to start learning.  And thus begins the drama.  :::sigh:::

Since I didn't know how to sew and the projects I'd be doing basically involve sewing in a straight line lots of times, I didn't want to buy an expensive sewing machine.  So I found one on Craigslist that seemed like a good price, and it even did a few of the fancier functions like hemming, zipper stitch, etc.  I emailed the seller the night I found it and told her I was interested.  She asked me to call the next day, which I did.  We played a bit of phone tag to figure out what time I should pick up the machine.  One of the times I called her, she answered without realizing it.  I did the whole "Hello?  ...Hello??..." thing for a bit and then I heard her talk.  What I heard her say was, "....yea, but I don't think they'll notice..." I hung up and thought to myself that something smelled fishy... but there was no way to know what she was talking about.  I chose to believe she wasn't talking about us & the sewing machine.

Nic and I went to get the sewing machine later that day.  We had her plug it in and show us that it worked before paying.  The needle definitely went when we pushed the pedal; all looked good.  We paid and were on our way.

Jump ahead a week and a half later, and I'm at a local business having my first sewing lesson.  The sweet old lady is teaching me how to wind the bobbin, etc.  and all is going great.  Until she tries to dip the needle down to pull up the bobbin thread.  She tries this maneuver multiple times, but the needle never grabs the bobbin thread.  She has the man who works on the machines take a look at it, and he says the timing is off.  (Note:  I had no idea a needle was even supposed to pick up bobbin thread or that timing could go "out" on a sewing machine at the time that I bought it.  I should have maybe done some homework; if I had, I would have known to look for those things.)  The cost to fix the timing would have been more than I paid for the machine in the first place, so I left the shop feeling a bit defeated.  I got scammed into buying a bad sewing machine, and had paid for a sewing lesson, only to learn that the machine doesn't work.  I wasted 2 hours of my day.

So I go home hoping and praying that the seller would give me my money back.  We were near the seller's house later that day, so we tried to speak with her in person.  We tried her house twice, but she wasn't home either time.  Later that night I emailed her and VERY nicely explained the situation.  She replied with the machine worked when I sold it to you...yada yada yada... sorry for your misfortune...yada yada yada... items bought on Craigslist are AS IS yada yada yada... I will not be giving you your money back.  Well, crap.  Now we have a problem.

The seller and I exchanged emails multiple times to the point that I felt like I was in middle school all over again.  I thought I had left that place.  :( We're talking a bit of bickering was happening, and I couldn't believe I was having drama with a stranger.  I don't even have drama in my life with non-strangers.  Detailing everything that was said would take way too long, so I'll spare you.  But in a nutshell: her stories kept changing, she got super rude about it and the more we talked, the more fraudulent she sounded.  I basically had to call her out on all the holes in her stories and threaten small claims on her.  Would the small amount have been worth going to court?  Probably not.  Would I have actually gone to court?  Probably not.  But did I make myself sound like enough of a hardA for her to cave?  Ya, I did.  :D  She called me one night (I was surprised she had my # still) and asked to meet me so she could give me my money.  She was clearly gritting her teeth; it must have been really hard for her to admit defeat.  There was no way I was going to go by myself.  Besides that, Audra was already in bed.  So, I stayed home and Nic met her and they made the exchange.  He said she was wearing a black leather biker jacket probably trying to look tough.  haha.  She made him sign a napkin that stated he received the money.  (People with law degrees, would something like that hold up in court? [Not that she'll need it to, just curious.])

I have to admit, I'm a bit proud of myself for the persistence I gave her.  And also for how nice I was.  Even in the email when I quit playing Mrs. Nicegirl, I wasn't MEAN.  I always tried to sound pleasant, like I wasn't doing all this just to cause trouble or drama.  She sold me a product that didn't work correctly, and I wanted my money back, those were the facts of the matter.  I even gave her a few outs to make it seem like maybe she didn't know and it was an accident, but even so I'd still need my money.

So now that all is said and done, we've got our money back, and I have bought a different sewing machine (one that works!) and I'll have another sewing lesson next week to learn how to use it.  The woman giving the lesson was even nice enough to not charge me again.  :)  So it all worked out.

Anybody out there ever have drama like this?  I've gotta say, Craigslist has usually worked out really well in the past.  We got our kitchen table from there, an area rug, our TV stand, a large bookshelf... so the moral of the story: don't buy something you don't know much about.  :( I suppose being trusting in this case just equaled being naive.  Lesson learned. 

Cloth Diapering: We try, tried again (Part 2 of 2)

In part 1, I talked about how we decided on gDiapers, and how they were a fail for us.  THIS POST, I'm going to talk about how I decided on FuzziBunz.  :)  To be honest, there is a blog I follow which highly influenced my decision to go with FuzziBunz.  Reading Shawna's descriptions of the diaper, and describing her system really gave me confidence that this diaper could work for us.  This diaper has a couple of advantages to it that the gDiapers didn't have.  1- it's a one-size diaper.  This means that Audra can wear it now, and it's supposed to last her until she's potty trained.  This is possible through their internal sizing system (more about that in a minute).  So not having to buy another whole set of diapers when she's a 'medium' then again when she's 'large' or 'extra large' is saving us a ton of money!  To put a cherry on top, the FuzziBunz one-size diaper is actually cheaper than 1 of the gDiaper shells (with Nic's military discount), and they include the cloth inserts! Score!  2- it's an advantage to just stuff the insert in the pocket beforehand and then have one solid piece ready to put on her.  Stuffing the g's with the inserts was time that I was consuming at the changing table, and you had to be really careful to do it *just right* or the diaper wouldn't hold waste correctly.  The FuzziBunz pocket diaper system consumes time immediately after washing (I usually stuff them while I'm pumping or while Audra's napping) and I don't have to worry about putting them on just right.  Just snap them together and that's it!  (Similar to just securing a disposable.)

We knew the FuzziBunz worked for others, and we saw things we really liked about them.  All that was left was to try them out!  This time I was a bit more cautious.  I ordered 1 diaper from the FuzziBunz website and tried it out on Audra.  We wore it, and LOVED IT!  We washed it, we wore it and loved it AGAIN!  And washed it again, and loved it again!  We loved it so many times, we decided this would be our new diaper.  So on one of Nic's days off, we stocked up on the FuzziBunz One Size Elites. 

Here's a quick overview of how these work:

The outside has heavy-duty snaps to allow you to adjust for your baby's growth.

Excuse the bad lighting, these were taken at night.

The layer that touches Audra's booty is made of ultra soft fleece. (There is a bit of pilling on this fleece, but it doesn't effect absorbancy.) 

There's a pocket opening on her back where I stuff the (super ridiculously incredibly soft) minky insert.  The minky insert is what holds the bulk of her waste. 

And THIS is the coolest part...

The internal sizing system. 

This is what we adjust as she grows and allows us to use this diaper for so long.  Everywhere there is elastic (so on the back and around the legs), we can tighten or loosen it to fit our needs.  There are two button on either end of the elastic that we can adjust.  

Here are the buttons along the back.   You can see them on either side of the elastic.

You flip the diaper inside out...

 to get to the buttons that adjust the elastic around the legs (the other side is identical).

I forgot to take a picture of the numbers on the elastic, so I found this one from here.  The diapers have a sizing guide to help you know which numbers should work best for your babe, but of course you can play around with it and find what works just perfectly for you.

And there you have it! 

 When you buy these diapers, they come with replacement elastic (since elastic tends to stretch out over time) a small minky insert and a medium minky insert.  They also come with a lifetime warranty (which should cover any damage to snaps or buttons).  Just make sure you keep your receipt!

The only time I have experienced wetness with this diaper is when she had gone more than once in the diaper (should have changed it sooner!).   Even then, the wetness was not leakage around the sides, it was more like moisture seeping through the bottom of the diaper because the insert was just too saturated.  I wasn't bothered by this since I should have changed her sooner.

We've been using the FuzziBunz consistently for about 3 weeks now, and have had zero issues.  In fact, the only problem we have now is that we don't have enough!  I wash my diapers every other day, and we have 14.  We have gotten by on that many a few times, but usually by the time I need to wash them, she ends up going in a disposable for bed.

Speaking of bed, we  have even had success using this diaper at night time.  I add a little extra something, though, in case she goes multiple times.  This little tip was taken from the blog above.  So here's what we do:  when I'm almost finished nursing her for the last time, we put the nighttime diaper on her.  The nighttime diaper consists of a FuzziBunz shell, a normal FuzziBunz insert, and also a GroVia insert.  GroVia inserts have a water proof backing, so the moisture can't seep out the back.  Also, the GroVia inserts have TWO VERY absorbent layers.  So stuffed in the pocket of the FuzziBunz, we've got the minky insert and behind that, we've got a GroVia insert.  Yes, that makes for one bulky diaper!  But Audra doesn't seem to mind, and it gets the job done.  So the bottom line here, is that I'm so IN LOVE with this FuzziBunz One Size Elite diaper!  So happy to have this figured out.  :)  Hopefully this will help one of you find a solution to your cloth diaper needs.  :)

***I should add that I know there are MANY MANY great cloth diapers out there that work and you can be happy with.  These are just the diapers I chose.*** :D

Sleepy September Afternoon

-->

You lay on my lap

as sleepy as can be

yet you stare up at me

with those BIG oceany eyes

that remind me of

a Precious Moments baby.

I slowly rock you

back

and forth

back

and forth

back

and forth

and your head gently turns

left

to right

left

to right

left

to right.

You gaze up at me

studying my face

and I smile down at you

my whole face filled with

LOVE

for you.

It is September and the weather

has started to change;

the window to my left allows the autumnal breeze

to blow your wispy hair.

You are babbling to me

and smiling

and each time you blink it takes

looonnnger

and loooooonnnnnnger

for you to open your

sleepy eyes.

Someone is BBQing

and the charcoal smell

drifts through the open window.

I kiss your face

and thank God

for the blessing that you are.

I’ve had many great moments 
in my life,

but not many are quite as perfect

as this.

Cloth Diapering: If at first you don't succeed... (Part 1 of 2)

When you start planning on having kids (or when you're surprised with a pregnancy; either way), you undoubtedly think of how much your child is going to cost you (monetarily, amongst other things). When your little one's a baby, you know that you're going to be shelling out some bucks in diapers.  It's something you need SO MUCH of that people shower you with them in addition to other gifts before the arrival of your bundle.  So when Nic and I started planning for a family, we started thinking of ways we could save money.  We know that cloth diapering has come a long way, so we decided they'd be a great way to save some cash.  And also, they're better for the environment.  And later, we found out that they can actually better for your baby as well.  Win-win-win.  We knew that cloth diapering would take some initial cost up front, but in the long run, cloth diapering would save us money.  So the question became, which cloth diaper do we use?

Cloth diapers today aren't the same cloth diapers my mom wore.  I have one of her HUGE safety pins that someone lovingly pinned her diapers together with back when she was ity bity.  Cloth diapering in 2012 is a little different.  Overwhelmingly different.  No safety pins, no single layers of fabric; we've got options.  LOTS of options.  (Options that still include those that were used on my mom.)  When I started researching, I saw hybrid diapers, all in 1 diapers, single layers, double layers, and to be honest... I had no idea what most of the stuff was that I was reading about.  So I researched.

We decided on diapers called gDiapers.  They seemed easy enough.  You buy the outer shell in the size you need (they come in S, M, L, XL).  The greatest part was, they come in such cute colors!!!

The shells have little snap-in pouches that hold the cloth.

Then you buy the cloth in the same size as the diaper and stuff it in the pouch.

Easy enough, right?  So when she goes "potty," you change out the cloth and put in another.  If you need to, snap in another pouch.  After explaining it over and over (I admit, it sounds like a lot of steps), I finally got Nic and our families on board with the g's.  I was SO excited when she finally got big enough to fit in her g's!

But all the cuteness in the world couldn't make up for what happened with the g's:  ...LEAKAGE.  :( At first, I told myself it would take some time to properly put them on her; we needed to figure out how tight everything should be.  Maybe we needed to smooth something or make sure the seal was properly placed, or adjust the aplix (velcro).  So we smoothed and adjusted and kept trying.  When they didn't leak I'd think, Yay, I figured it out!!! only to experience a leak the next time I put them on her.  I had such perseverance, but all to no avail.  In all, I'd say they leaked about 25% of the time.  Most of the time, it was just a little bit around her legs... but still, they leaked.  The breaking point was when the shell didn't even catch the leak.  I was nursing her and her pee literally ran down my stomach.  Enough was enough.  Wasn't the whole reason she was wearing a diaper to stop things like that from happening?

Finding out that the cloth diapers I chose [after ALL THAT research] didn't work was disappointing.  Make that SUPER disappointing.  It made me feel as though I didn't properly do my research.  I started second-guessing myself.  Didn't I research?  I did, didn't I?  Didn't I stay up until wee hours of the night [er, morning?] looking at different diapers and reading about them and looking at prices and benefits and reading reviews?  Yes, I sure did. So why was I coming across more diapers that I felt like I'd never seen or heard of before?  Where were those the first time I was researching?  That was the feeling I kept getting.  And the answer is-- I don't know.  I don't know why I didn't come across those new options that I recently found, but I'm glad I did.  I have to admit, it took some convincing to get Nic on board with another cloth diaper.  After all, we'd been using disposable since the g's were leaking, and the disposables were easy.  You just throw them away!  But shelling out $30 twice a month just wasn't appealing.  I knew there had to be a better way.  I knew there had to be a cloth diaper that worked.

So I did more research and decided on a new diaper, which I'll talk about in my next post.  I wanted to take the time to show you the g's and walk you through my thought process because the g's played a big part in learning about cloth diapering.  I can't even diss the g's; they work wonderfully for other babies.  Babies with chunkier legs, I think.  The thing about cloth diapering is, it's a process.  You can research until all the names run together and everything sounds confusing and you're dreaming about cloth diapering, but it won't matter until you actually get to try them on your baby.  That is really the only way you can test whether they'll work.  Not every cloth diaper works for every baby; you have to find what works for you.  And unfortunately, my first try didn't work for us.  I didn't talk much to my family about how disappointed I was in the fact that they didn't work, but I really was.  Both Nic's and my family had spent generous amounts of money buying us our first g stash, and I felt a bit like I was wasting their money.  Also, I have numerous friends and acquaintances with brand new babies who are cloth diapering, and seem to have found the perfect diaper the first time and have it all figured out so quickly.  Why couldn't I be the put-together mom with the definite answers who had it all figured out so fast?  After being a teensy bit jealous, I had to put my ego aside and just be happy that it's working for them and then hope and pray that this next diaper I chose wouldn't result in defeating me too. ::this process is a bit exhausting::

Since they didn't work, I am selling these g's. If you have a chunky monkey baby and would like to give them a try (after all, look how CUTE they are!), I will sell them to you for cheaper than you can find them at stores or online. Look here and contact me!  :)